Willful Ignorance.

I'm the first to admit that I am guilty of willful ignorance. The idea that I already "know" everything I need to know about something, based on opinions I've heard or things passed down to me by my elders; deciding that I've already formed my "own" opinion, which I'm entitled to, godammit, and that I have no responsibility to see things any differently or gain further knowledge.

I felt this way about racism, that I wasn't *really* racist, I just indulged in a joke here and there. I wasn't *really* racist, I just acknowledged that the stereotypes actually reflect "reality". What I didn't realize or acknowledge was that that is the insidious nature of racism. The jokes and stereotypes are at the heart of racism, because that's how it begins, by allowing yourself to see people not as fellow human beings, but as something less than you are. This is how every form of bigotry begins, be it homophobia, sexism, ageism, or racism.  The truth is that the stuff of stereotypes is really just the stuff of all intrinsically flawed humanity, so to marginalize a person based on their assumed faults, based on what they look like is simply not okay. Better to assess their character as you get to know them to decide if they're worth hanging around with.

It took beginning a career in real estate, which prohibits racism in all forms, including even listening to racist jokes, to jolt me awake. I woke up to the idea that I've gotten complacent about keeping ignorance at bay, and that there is still so much to be learned about my fellow humans. I realized, specifically, that I know next to nothing about American Indians, or about Jews, or very much about slavery, or even the women's rights movement. In order to understand people, I need to know their story. I have some serious catching up to do. I've realized that each person has a voice, and each culture has a story, and as a lover of history and a devourer of stories of all kinds, it is my duty and pleasure to devour and find the value in the stories of all peoples and nations, and to acknowledge the humanity and worth of each individual, free from the constraints of stereotypes and closed-mindedness. This is the present, this is the future, so I need to haul myself into the 21st century.

Insomnia.

Nothing like a sleepless time in the wee hours of the morning to prompt a blog post. What's keeping me up? Rejection.
 Little Addie had her first time at day care today, sort of a trial run for when I'm working full time as a real estate salesperson. We thought it was going to be the start of a long and great parent-to-childcare-provider relationship, but it was not to be. It turns out that Addie is too needy for the caregiver's personal style. She prefers more self-sufficient children. What a blow that was! I was so excited and am now so deflated and somewhat undone. I mean, I know she's needy. Lordy do I know! But I was just hopeful that she would get caught up in the excitement of having new friends and a new play environment, etc.  and enter a new stage of independence. It was a pretty tall order lol. So now I have to explore other options. Jamie will get laid off in the fall, so if we can make it on my income, that would be awesome for him to be a stay at home dad! It would really cement their slow-growing bond.

See, Addie has been momma's little barnacle from day one. She was heartbroken to discover that we were no longer essentially one person, and so has done her best to recreate the experience, lol. Jamie and I joke that her gestation has lasted two years instead of the standard nine months. The books say to expect three more months of glomming, naturally, but I certainly didn't expect the extra year lol.  She rejected - strongly and inconsolably - even the notion of separation from me for the first probably 6 months.  She slept right in the middle of my chest, insisted on being my "koala" (our word for hanging out in the baby sling tied to my torso. That thing was an absolute lifesaver.) during waking hours and wailed if I tried to pass her off to her daddy while I took a shower, ate and other life-sustaining activities lol. And so it went. I thought I was going to go insane. But then the clouds slowly but surely parted and now I'm only marginally crazy lol. She's been slowly accepting Jamie more and more over the months and now I can actually walk through the room without her squawking for me! It's amazing lol. Absolutely fantastic. They sit on the couch and watch Lenka videos and eat watermelon haha. She looooves watermelon. I'm so thrilled that Jamie finally has a little watermelon buddy; because unless it's REALLY juicy and sweet, I'm just not a big fan. Anyway, it's freaking adorable. She has always been so adorable. Engaging, sweet, determined. Perfect. Everything that makes her challenging for me also makes her so freaking perfect!
I can't imagine life without her; she's so amazingly ours. She fits so well; mostly be use she chiseled her spot out tooth and nail lol. It's all good though because it's getting so much better all the time.

I tend to think everything happens for a reason, because, even if it doesn't, the idea makes me always look for the good that comes from any less-than-ideal situation; but really things do seem to always work out better in the end. So maybe getting rejected from day care is really the best thing because it forces us to let daddy be her primary caregiver and really even things out. I think this could really work!

Changes.

So, our house closed last week - finally! I'm so relieved. With the baby due anytime now - we're down to the last two weeks! - it's something that we really wanted to get wrapped up. We're REALLY happy with the property. It's a 3 bdrm, 2 bath on 2.5 acres, and it needs a little work, but overall it's a really neat house. It has a wood stove! I'm pretty excited about that. The kitchen is a nice size, and we're getting a new sink, faucet and propane range :D. We're also putting in new carpet, and putting in a propane tank, since the house is all electric right now. The roof is getting another layer too, so that's really nice. We repainted the master bedroom and the living room because they were pretty disgusting. Nasty shades of pink and brown... but now they're a bright white. It's amazing how much light the white paint reflects now. It's perfect! So, we're pretty darn excited about everything. Next week we're gonna tackle the deck, which has some rotting spots. We're gonna change out some boards and repaint it. Eventually we're gonna paint the house a dark brown with green trim, so we'll go ahead and paint the deck brown :D. Also, we hope to eventually put granite counter tops in the kitchen, which will look REALLY nice. But that's for another time, since granite is kind of expensive.

I think what I am mostly excited about, with this place, is not so much the nice house, but the fact that it's out of the park! I've been really tired of this place for a long time. Any place where you're not allowed to have a garden or pets, or children is a pretty miserable place for me to be. I have a need to be outside, and nurturing something. People say the mountains, or the beach replenish them, but for me it's the grass and dirt, neither of which are very plentiful here in the valley :(. So I'm *really* excited to have a garden, and get my dog back, and have my baby! I can't wait. I'm so excited for Addie's arrival. People are asking if I'm nervous, but I really couldn't be more ready. All I feel is excitement, and eagerness. She's so perfect already. I can't wait to see her, but at the same time I'm glad she's still growing and doing great in there. Plus the longer she stays put, the more time we have to move and get settled into our new place :D. I'm glad I haven't had any contractions or anything yet. I've opted not to get "checked" either lol...I don't need to know what my cervix is doing yet! lol... it'll happen when it happens ;). I'm going to mostly labor in the birthing tub, and I've decided that I want Jamie and me to "catch" her lol, instead of the midwife. I really want our hands to be the first thing she feels. God, I'm so excited. It's going to be so beautiful.

Atmosphere is Everything.

I have a beautiful little life. Not necessarily extraordinary, but incredibly beautiful. Committed life agrees so well with me; it has for the last four years, and of the last year of those, married life is just as sweet. I've always longed for a harmonious existence with people in close proximity to me; I just wanted a mild-tempered home. My mom and I had a pretty good relationship, but she was usually onto SOMEbody about SOMEthing...usually a brother about something trivial but that became blown out of proportion by both of them. It's a sad way to live, with the people in the household always churning with something, waiting to unleash it on the first one to cross them. I'm well-aquainted with all the ins and outs of domestic discord - though thankfully not the violent kind at the hand of either parent or to each other - and am so done with it. I can't figure out why so many people haven't figured out that the key to happiness is establishing a consistently harmonious relationship with those who are closest to them. Really, what is the point of living your life day in and day out at odds with somebody over stupid things? I don't understand why they don't just say "Enough! Let's be friends, please?" I'm so disgusted when I see family members treating each other like crap, especially adults, because I am so beyond that stage in my life that I think everybody else should be too. I mean isn't it common knowledge to everyone, now that it's well-known by me? ;) :P. But no, I know it doesn't work like that; everybody is at their own stage of development, and if they're 60+, well, God (please) help them.

My familiarity with and distaste for discord made me especially keen to create a good environment in my own small world. Jamie and I don't often have an off day, or hour even, but when we do, we've built our relationship on the most straightforward kind of honesty that I've ever known about, that if there's a problem we (usually I :P) just have out with it, and then we can move on. Jamie is so mild that the only outbursts are from me, and they're short-lived and harmless enough 'cause he just listens. I feel so good about the prevailing atmosphere of goodwill and real harmony that stays with us. Our life might just be about as good as it gets, as far as coupleships go.

Especially since couples frequently fight about money, and as far as I remember we've never had reason to really argue about money... I feel really good about that too by the way. I LOVE being able to save a ton of money over the summer. It makes me feel really good about my contribution to our financial well-being. For some reason, when I'm not employed I start to get depressed that I'm not making any money, and I feel like I'm not contributing much of anything to our relationship. I'm not sure where I got these feelings from, but they're very real and very debilitating. So I'm pretty sure I'll always try to stay employed at least a little bit lol. I don't like working very much at these silly little jobs that mean nothing. I'm not lazy in the most obvious sense, I'm just selective about what deserves my passion and my little jobs are not that passion-inducing. I don't dislike work by itself, see. I dislike the jobs that my work goes into. I may have said this before, but the only work I see as worth anything to me is physical labor. Some people feel like applying their minds - or mildly applying their bodies by working a computer or filing - is a worthwhile job, and that's fine. If you can be happy working a register, a computer, or drawing up blueprints, or making sales calls, then more power to you. But for me that is not where my true power or happiness lies. My true power lies in my body. My soul and my body is happy when I am in motion. Therefore, I have decided to be a farmer. I've always wanted to have a farm, and I'm going to make it happen soon. I want goats, a garden, chickens, a couple of horses... enough to keep me busy in the only way I was ever meant to be busy.

The other way I am meant to be occupied is with children. I can't wait to have five or ten underfoot. Even more important to me than cultivating living things outside is cultivating living things indoors, filling their little hearts and souls with love, and filling their minds with important things, teaching them skills that will last them a lifetime. God, it's such a joy, having tiny humans around. I simply cannot wait to have my own. The sooner the better. Oh, and one more thing, I've given up on ever having more money than the average Joe, and that is entirely okay with me. I am well beyond the poverty I grew up with, and that spells financial contentment for me :). I believe we will always be comfortable, though perhaps never affluent. Man, my life is truly one worth hanging onto forever; it will always be an awfully big adventure ;).

What Really Counts?

Those who know me best know that I am not very good at the little social niceties that some people are so good at, like calling from time to time just to check in, or passing along little things you might find interesting, and other things like that. I'm just not good at maintaining a steady casual social give-and-take with really anyone who isn't close to me geographically. For some reason I dread phonecalls, and am no good at sending notes. I write them, sure, but somehow they hardly ever make it to the intended recipient, and if they do it's months overdue. I'm not sure why I'm this way; I'm not sure why I don't seek out ongoing or frequent contact with the people I love who aren't near me. I can say though, that anyone who really needs something from me - something I can do or give - I'm all there. But if it's just idle contact? I'm just not your girl for some reason. I'm not sure which is better... being someone who's there all the time for chit-chat and stuff, or someone who's only there when you really need them, lol.

I really think I may be a hermit at heart, or maybe more like I just should have lived when everybody stayed in the same place their whole lives lol, cause I can do the interpersonal thing on a face-to-face basis, as long as the other person isn't needy or overbearing. If we can have healthy, mutually enjoyable time together, I love that stuff and am pretty good at making fun, wholesome times with people...pretty much anybody who doesn't irritate me by virtue of just who they are lol. I can count those on one hand though, out of everyone I know.

If you do what you've always done....

I'm thinking about the state of our Union, and how things could change, and I'm wondering what the effect would be to take a completely understated approach to the things we've always been gung-ho and ho-rah about. What if we did as the Japanese did after WWII and adopt a pacifist outlook, putting all our military personnel on reserves indefinitely and using the military budget only for technological advancement. What if we stopped being so goddamned greedy and tried to establish a little economic equality for the people of our country, and the world. What if, instead of trying to make an extra buck by off-shoring, we try to create jobs in the US for our fellow citizens, and I don't know, maybe try to get some economic stability instead of pretending there's still money to blow? What if we exiled all the crooked politicians and amend the constitution to include a process by which we can depose government officials when they're becoming too corrupt? Maybe then we could get some policies in place to actually make a difference for our earth's well-being, like switching to CNG, regulating car use, finding alternative packaging to lessen what goes to the landfills... Will this make any difference? I don't know. I'm not that well-informed on the cause and effect of each of these actions. So many of the issues surrounding our national and global well-being are multi-faceted and complex, and I don't really know how to trace all of them; but the saying "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" is true. Something's gotta give.

The Search.

Lately my need for things that have meaning has become pretty acute. My collision with grief has left me with a need to go outside of myself - to find things to focus on and believe in - to keep from getting sucked under. So far these things have had a wide range, and I try to hone them down to things that really mean something to me; things that will really make a difference and not just be to my benefit. I've always wanted to have a great way of serving others that is sustainable and enjoyable for me. I have a hard time finding meaningful opportunities to volunteer in the US, and a "mission trip" is very expensive, and lately I equate the spread of religion with the spread of a kind of disease, so their true motives do not match mine. My only motive is to spread a better quality of life with no strings attached, and certainly no religious aim. Moving on, I also take issue with donating money to any charities, since generally their overhead is so high that a sad amount actually makes it to their target beneficiaries. I did find an approach that feels right to me, which is to donate goods instead of money. It's really what I've always wanted to be able to do, but the resources to do so are hard to find. In fact, so few places actually offer a way to do that, claiming they just need money, that I'm still having a hard time finding places to send commodities as opposed to money.
But anyway, this need to pare my life down to the most meaningful things is kind of taking over. I have always been averse to the way electronics have a way of sucking you in, and I L-O-V-E the more traditional ways of connecting with the people you love, like playing together, talking, working side-by-side -- these are my favorites. I have also discovered that I do not do well with long-distance relationships of ANY kind. I dislike communication in any form apart from in person. The friendships I've had over the years fade with time when our lives take us in different directions. Mostly because words truly are cheap. Words are almost always calculated to one aim or another and you don't always get to a person's soul by listening to them talk. I see a person's soul in their eyes, their laughter, their hugs, and other such things. When I don't get to interact with a person this way, I feel like I don't get all of them and that they have the opportunity to color my perceptions of them by using their words, rather than me being able to formulate my own perceptions by being able to observe them. There are few people who are so themselves when I speak to them that I feel like they are here with me. Those are the people I love the best :) ( Like you, Dad ;) ). This same sense of meaning is honed even when I listen to music. I can tell when the artist is singing with their soul or not. I have always eschewed all things superficial, but now even more. I feel like I need to pick and choose the things I surround myself with, and that the world is full of deep richness if you take the time to sift for it. It doesn't usually take much sifting, but sometimes I get so inundated by these people who have lost their sense of the depth of life that I'm left with nothing but disgust. People talk about such stupid things! Sometimes it's too much. I get so bored and frustrated listening to people talk about themselves, as though they are so interesting! Nope. Not to me. I have never considered myself that interesting, and never to the point that that's the only conversation I can make. I don't burden dialogue with anyone by painting the things I do as anything but mundane, but the people I find myself talking to think of themselves as the greatest thing. It annoys me a lot. I'm considering closing my Facebook account because if anything in this world is narcissistic, it is Facebook! I do not really need to know what people are doing every hour of the day. It taints my idea of humanity, reading what people deem interesting - which is themselves and what they are doing all day. It's such a turn-off to me for people I otherwise love. This is another disease that's reaching epidemic status - narcissism. Or has it always been this way, and my perception is just developing as I get older? Who knows.