Why Do I Startle?

I wrote this the other day, using a method my therapist taught me of just following my stream of consciousness and not censoring what I write (which explains how fragmented it seems). The question floating in my mind above it all was "Why do I startle?" and this is what became of it. (Beware of graphic images that may present themselves in the mind's eye...well, depending on how imaginative you are. )

Fear - fear of something big, cruel, wants to hurt me, vicious, mean, glinting eyes, monstrous; take something from me, use me, dispose of me, kill me, hurt me, mangle me, strip me of everything, eat me, cut me, hit me, kick me, rape me, mock me, break my heart, leave me bleeding, laughing cruelly, grab me, kidnap me, terrify me, control me, steal my essence, leave me broken, curse me, haunt me, commandeer me, appropriate me, stunt me, prevent me, ruin me, touch me, rape my heart, strip me of everything, break me, insult me, objectify me, ignore my protests, hold me down, enrage me, helpless, frustrated, crying, fighting, losing, screaming, helpless, noone to hear, noone to help, at his mercy, tied, gagged, caged, starved, tortured
PAIN - pain is why I startle; fear of pain on all its forms. Scratch me, bite me, force me, shoot me, break my bones, slash my skin, make me ugly, demean me, tear off my fingernails, pluck out my eyelashes, cut out my tongue, scalp me, drown me, pull my teeth, cut off limbs, draw & quarter me, feed me to animals...
Fear of the dark, fear of the empty, fear of being alone, fear of being snatched. Why this fear? Who did this? Who planted this fear...


And there it is: raw, graphic, real. It actually helped, putting it all on paper. I actually kind of looked at it and thought "is that all? that's all I'm worried about?" which I know, sounds like a crazy thing to think after all that, but to me it was more of a breath of relief, because I know I can prevent 99, if not 100 percent of all of these things from ever happening, or (for some) happening again. I realized something in looking at it. I've always feared some sort of monster, a kind of half man, half demon type of creature, but such a fear is unfounded as such a beast doesn't exist and this realization hit me in the form of a short verse "If it's human I can hurt it; if it's not it can't hurt me" and that was it. That was the realization I needed, the reassurance that I can protect myself. Jamie would agree that my punch is hard and fast and a few of those should render anyone helpless. Even if my assailant (more specifically a "he") had a gun to my head I have the resources to disarm him. Crazy huh? All it took was a little thought, coming out of that paralysis of fear to say hey, I can beat whatever might want to do this to me. Haha, I have to admit though that the movies don't help matters. The 15-minute fighting scenes are a little disheartening... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't hold up that long. Jamie assured me though that it's not like that in real life. People in a LOT of pain don't keep on coming. Then I asked him about people on drugs, because apparently those do a lot to dull the pain. He said that that's when you start breaking bones because noone can use something that's broken. So anyway, this helps me deal with my fear, but doesn't root out the underlying cause. I'm pretty sure how to answer the last questions of my little monologue. That's actually in another letter I wrote about two or three years back. Maybe I'll post that one too; although that one's kind of heavier matter.

What I Like.

This is a summary of what makes me really tick. A list actually. I really like lists. Anyway, this list is a compilation of things I have discovered over the years that I really enjoy. More particularly, they are things that I have come to know about myself through browsing through college course catalogs and found that I am drawn to.

This is pretty much, in a nutshell, what I want to study:
People (Psychology, History, Culture, Child Development, Education, etc.)
Math (Algebra, Calculus, Geometry, Trigonometry, Statistics...)
Science (Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Geology, Astronomy, Botany, Zoology, etc.)
Language (Italian, Spanish, Mandarin, Hindi, Japanese, French, Swahili, German, & more)
Literature (English, American, Asian, Native American, etc.)

(This is a list I made a couple of weeks ago when trying to think more positively. This is what I came up with.)
Things I Love:
Books
Jamie
Nature
Love
Babies
Endorphins
Work
Income
People
Hot Baths
Learning
Family
Flowers
Gardening
Math
Water
Music
Challenges/Opportunities
Good Food
Great Health
Fresh Air
Laughter
Sleep
Comfy Bedding
Movies
Games
Smiles
Beauty
Talent
Sun/Tanning
Cookies
Ice Cream

:) So there you have it. A little more about me. Maybe there's more to come, maybe that really is just me in a nutshell :D

A Bit of Earth.

Jamie and I are going to plant a garden this year. We've been getting the boxes ready for about the last three months. It's been slow-going, mostly because at the place we're renting the "garden" hadn't been touched in six years. Everything was pretty overgrown, the chicken wire for the gophers had rotted out, and the wood is warped and beginning to rot. First thing, we dug up all the weeds, which was easier than I thought it'd be! Then we dug up all the dirt and mixed some compost in with it to make it really rich, and now we're in the process of stapling new chicken wire into the boxes to keep the gophers out. We're really almost finished. After that we can finish refilling the boxes and finally plant! I'm pretty excited about that. We're going to plant cucumbers, tomatoes, spices, carrots, and watermelon. Jamie is especially excited about the watermelon lol. We started the seeds in peat pots about a month and a half ago and they're getting to be sturdy little things! I call them his babies haha. I tried to start some of my own - cucumbers, but a mouse ate the stalks down to the soil :( So I've decided to just buy some seedlings and start from there. The rest will grow from seeds sown into the garden.

Ya know, I've heard people say that gardening is a kind of therapy for them, and I believed them, but never experienced it firsthand until now. There's something about creating something with my hands and working in the soil that really refreshes me. The sun is nice too. (I'm getting a tan!) I've definitely noticed a change in my moods since I started. I don't feel as melancholy anymore, which may be because of a variety of things, but the garden has definitely helped. Also, it really buoys me up to have Jamie working with me on a project. It's really impressive how easily he shovels pounds and pounds of dirt haha. There's just something about seeing my man at work that really tickles me pink lol. Makes me really glad he's mine.

I've been tagged :)

My sister Eve tagged me a little while ago and I put off filling it out because, and this is kind of silly, I balked at the "what are you wearing?" question haha, because around the house in the mornings (typically the time I blog) I actually wear very little lol. So anyway, today I happen to be properly dressed, so let's proceed :P

Six names you go by:
1. Katie Lou - (mom, dad and sometimes carter)
2. KatieKatie (Jamie)
3. BabyRoo (Jamie)
4 Keedledee (dillon when he was younger - it kinda stuck)
5. Katie Moo (haha one that only Anna can use)
6. KatieBug (my "fiancee" LeTeishia :P)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. The white tank top I wear under my work shirt
2. Long Shorts
3. A "Cozy Blanket"

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Some good friends to hang out with
2. A second job to fill my time
3. More books!

People who I hope will fill this out:1. Mom 2. Austin 3. Wilson

Two things you did last night:1. Watched Bones (great show!). 2.Watched Bridget Jones' Diary (cute movie!)

Two things I ate today: Um...just a cup of hot cocoa so far. 2.

People you last talked to on the phone: 1. The ahwahnee concierge. 2.The secretary at Jamie's work.

Two things you are going to do tomorrow:1. Go to Oakhurst. Call Jamie's mom.

Your favorite beverages:1. Whole Milk 2. Dr. Pepper 3. Water 4. Juice