Education.

So, I am of the opinion that there is altogether too much hype about a college education. I would much rather seek out and absorb the information that I feel I need to know on my own time, in my own way. I have two fantastic books that are extremely helpful to me in my endeavor. I would bet that within the next year, I'll be more thoroughly educated and remember more of what I learned than the average graduate. I think the difference is that I take the time to ruminate and memorize the things I need to know, rather than just underline in my textbooks and pop out assignments like so many do when in college. In college, it seems that it's all about the grade and the credits more than it is about *learning* and that is what makes all the difference. People are in such an all-fired hurry to get through so they can just get all THAT behind them and get on with LIFE. Haha, but what is life without book-learning? I can't separate the two.

Anyway, back to my original point. It seems to be a pretty common feeling that if you just get your degree then the whole world will open up to you! I think that it is so misleading how much adults stress a college education on the next generation. I mean, what good is that degree if you've never held a real job? You're not gonna jump right into an 80k+ a year job without any working experience, even if you ARE an aspiring cop or nurse or doctor... it just doesn't happen. At least not that I know of. My experience tells me that those potential employers will raise their eyebrow at you while asking "So you've never had full-time employment?". Here you are all young and excited, freshly graduated, but with no real skills or references. Boy howdy, did that degree really pay off! Not. Bottom line, in my opinion you should always be employed, ALWAYS, and pursue your education at the same time, be that whatever it may. I think more adults who are stressing that a college education is important should ALSO stress the importance of having a good record of keeping jobs and acquiring skills and building good rapport with their employers. Let's cut the bullshit and tell it like it is, can we? Quit getting the kids' hopes up about the great jobs they will land once they've graduated, even though for the last four to six years they've done nothing but study, party and sleep. It's just not gonna happen.

Sexuality.

I'm pretty sure I believe in soul mates. Most of the time it sounds pret-ty corny, and especially so when certain types of people talk about it. Something occurred to me lately though, that maybe we don't only have one soul mate, but two. One female, one male, no matter what sex you are. The crazy thing is, I have found both. I've never really admitted to a whole lot of people that I'm attracted to women, but in knowing all of me, you would know this too. The crazy thing is that this is not so much of a big deal to me anymore...except maybe a little bit. I mean, I know there are a lot of people out there who cringe at the mere mention of any type of sexuality, much less homosexuality. But I guess it's been a part of me for so long, and I've been comfortable with it for what's almost a few years now, that there's only a small part of me that's squeamish about other people knowing. In fact, I welcome people knowing this about me because it's one more little gem about myself that I generally keep to myself. Maybe to know me is to know all of me. I think that's how I want it. :) The truth is that the inside of me is vibrant and beautiful and juicy. I have felt non-descript for almost all of my life, but the truth is that all the description is inside, waiting for safety. Well, I'm getting to the safety, day by day. :D It's pretty amazing. I think that people don't realize what goes on in this head of mine and that's how I liked it for the longest time.

In fact, I still have some reluctance to let the whole world see me. It's like I'll become mainstream or something haha. I kind of compare it to the great little bands that only a few people know about and it's like a fun little secret that everyone who knows relishes... and then, as the greatest bands do, they get discovered, and the WHOLE WORLD thinks they are the GREATEST band EVER! and then the ones who knew about them the whole time get disgusted, sick to their stomachs almost, thinking of something akin to their band being exploited by all these morons who only love them because they're the greatest thing at the moment.
Now, I'm not saying that I'll get world-famous because of what's inside me; I don't plan on writing a NY Times Bestselling autobiography or anything, but the concept applies. Sometimes the great little secrets are best kept a true secret. Maybe to know me isn't to know all of me. Maybe it is best that way.

Why Do I Startle?

I wrote this the other day, using a method my therapist taught me of just following my stream of consciousness and not censoring what I write (which explains how fragmented it seems). The question floating in my mind above it all was "Why do I startle?" and this is what became of it. (Beware of graphic images that may present themselves in the mind's eye...well, depending on how imaginative you are. )

Fear - fear of something big, cruel, wants to hurt me, vicious, mean, glinting eyes, monstrous; take something from me, use me, dispose of me, kill me, hurt me, mangle me, strip me of everything, eat me, cut me, hit me, kick me, rape me, mock me, break my heart, leave me bleeding, laughing cruelly, grab me, kidnap me, terrify me, control me, steal my essence, leave me broken, curse me, haunt me, commandeer me, appropriate me, stunt me, prevent me, ruin me, touch me, rape my heart, strip me of everything, break me, insult me, objectify me, ignore my protests, hold me down, enrage me, helpless, frustrated, crying, fighting, losing, screaming, helpless, noone to hear, noone to help, at his mercy, tied, gagged, caged, starved, tortured
PAIN - pain is why I startle; fear of pain on all its forms. Scratch me, bite me, force me, shoot me, break my bones, slash my skin, make me ugly, demean me, tear off my fingernails, pluck out my eyelashes, cut out my tongue, scalp me, drown me, pull my teeth, cut off limbs, draw & quarter me, feed me to animals...
Fear of the dark, fear of the empty, fear of being alone, fear of being snatched. Why this fear? Who did this? Who planted this fear...


And there it is: raw, graphic, real. It actually helped, putting it all on paper. I actually kind of looked at it and thought "is that all? that's all I'm worried about?" which I know, sounds like a crazy thing to think after all that, but to me it was more of a breath of relief, because I know I can prevent 99, if not 100 percent of all of these things from ever happening, or (for some) happening again. I realized something in looking at it. I've always feared some sort of monster, a kind of half man, half demon type of creature, but such a fear is unfounded as such a beast doesn't exist and this realization hit me in the form of a short verse "If it's human I can hurt it; if it's not it can't hurt me" and that was it. That was the realization I needed, the reassurance that I can protect myself. Jamie would agree that my punch is hard and fast and a few of those should render anyone helpless. Even if my assailant (more specifically a "he") had a gun to my head I have the resources to disarm him. Crazy huh? All it took was a little thought, coming out of that paralysis of fear to say hey, I can beat whatever might want to do this to me. Haha, I have to admit though that the movies don't help matters. The 15-minute fighting scenes are a little disheartening... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't hold up that long. Jamie assured me though that it's not like that in real life. People in a LOT of pain don't keep on coming. Then I asked him about people on drugs, because apparently those do a lot to dull the pain. He said that that's when you start breaking bones because noone can use something that's broken. So anyway, this helps me deal with my fear, but doesn't root out the underlying cause. I'm pretty sure how to answer the last questions of my little monologue. That's actually in another letter I wrote about two or three years back. Maybe I'll post that one too; although that one's kind of heavier matter.

What I Like.

This is a summary of what makes me really tick. A list actually. I really like lists. Anyway, this list is a compilation of things I have discovered over the years that I really enjoy. More particularly, they are things that I have come to know about myself through browsing through college course catalogs and found that I am drawn to.

This is pretty much, in a nutshell, what I want to study:
People (Psychology, History, Culture, Child Development, Education, etc.)
Math (Algebra, Calculus, Geometry, Trigonometry, Statistics...)
Science (Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Geology, Astronomy, Botany, Zoology, etc.)
Language (Italian, Spanish, Mandarin, Hindi, Japanese, French, Swahili, German, & more)
Literature (English, American, Asian, Native American, etc.)

(This is a list I made a couple of weeks ago when trying to think more positively. This is what I came up with.)
Things I Love:
Books
Jamie
Nature
Love
Babies
Endorphins
Work
Income
People
Hot Baths
Learning
Family
Flowers
Gardening
Math
Water
Music
Challenges/Opportunities
Good Food
Great Health
Fresh Air
Laughter
Sleep
Comfy Bedding
Movies
Games
Smiles
Beauty
Talent
Sun/Tanning
Cookies
Ice Cream

:) So there you have it. A little more about me. Maybe there's more to come, maybe that really is just me in a nutshell :D

A Bit of Earth.

Jamie and I are going to plant a garden this year. We've been getting the boxes ready for about the last three months. It's been slow-going, mostly because at the place we're renting the "garden" hadn't been touched in six years. Everything was pretty overgrown, the chicken wire for the gophers had rotted out, and the wood is warped and beginning to rot. First thing, we dug up all the weeds, which was easier than I thought it'd be! Then we dug up all the dirt and mixed some compost in with it to make it really rich, and now we're in the process of stapling new chicken wire into the boxes to keep the gophers out. We're really almost finished. After that we can finish refilling the boxes and finally plant! I'm pretty excited about that. We're going to plant cucumbers, tomatoes, spices, carrots, and watermelon. Jamie is especially excited about the watermelon lol. We started the seeds in peat pots about a month and a half ago and they're getting to be sturdy little things! I call them his babies haha. I tried to start some of my own - cucumbers, but a mouse ate the stalks down to the soil :( So I've decided to just buy some seedlings and start from there. The rest will grow from seeds sown into the garden.

Ya know, I've heard people say that gardening is a kind of therapy for them, and I believed them, but never experienced it firsthand until now. There's something about creating something with my hands and working in the soil that really refreshes me. The sun is nice too. (I'm getting a tan!) I've definitely noticed a change in my moods since I started. I don't feel as melancholy anymore, which may be because of a variety of things, but the garden has definitely helped. Also, it really buoys me up to have Jamie working with me on a project. It's really impressive how easily he shovels pounds and pounds of dirt haha. There's just something about seeing my man at work that really tickles me pink lol. Makes me really glad he's mine.

I've been tagged :)

My sister Eve tagged me a little while ago and I put off filling it out because, and this is kind of silly, I balked at the "what are you wearing?" question haha, because around the house in the mornings (typically the time I blog) I actually wear very little lol. So anyway, today I happen to be properly dressed, so let's proceed :P

Six names you go by:
1. Katie Lou - (mom, dad and sometimes carter)
2. KatieKatie (Jamie)
3. BabyRoo (Jamie)
4 Keedledee (dillon when he was younger - it kinda stuck)
5. Katie Moo (haha one that only Anna can use)
6. KatieBug (my "fiancee" LeTeishia :P)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. The white tank top I wear under my work shirt
2. Long Shorts
3. A "Cozy Blanket"

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Some good friends to hang out with
2. A second job to fill my time
3. More books!

People who I hope will fill this out:1. Mom 2. Austin 3. Wilson

Two things you did last night:1. Watched Bones (great show!). 2.Watched Bridget Jones' Diary (cute movie!)

Two things I ate today: Um...just a cup of hot cocoa so far. 2.

People you last talked to on the phone: 1. The ahwahnee concierge. 2.The secretary at Jamie's work.

Two things you are going to do tomorrow:1. Go to Oakhurst. Call Jamie's mom.

Your favorite beverages:1. Whole Milk 2. Dr. Pepper 3. Water 4. Juice

It's difficult to put my thoughts into words sometimes because while, to my mind, I am simply coming into myself and discovering many beautiful things about life and love, I fear that it appears to others that I am changing out of the person they always knew and loved, into someone strange and foreign to them. I wish there was a way for me to show them that I am still the same person, just looking to figure everything out in my own way and time.
The truth is that I feel so liberated by my choices and their outcomes, and then feel really downcast when I think of the people who will think poorly of me for them. It has made me kind of wary about how much of my joy I share with people, and lends me to think too much about what others think at the cost of my personal joy. Cultural pressure is a difficult thing to combat in terms of how it affects your view of yourself and your decisions, no matter how confident you feel about them within your heart. I've been told I'm at that age and stage of difficulty in figuring out which and how much people's opinions should bear sway. I feel very vulnerable about it because people's high opinions of me have been something that I have relied on in shaping my self-confidence and self-concepts. It's hard to break away from that, but I'm realizing that that's just one of the byproducts of making your own way in life and making decisions on your own. When I look at it in that light, I wouldn't take my choices back for any number of respecting friends. It's just something I need to work through and move past.