The Search.

Lately my need for things that have meaning has become pretty acute. My collision with grief has left me with a need to go outside of myself - to find things to focus on and believe in - to keep from getting sucked under. So far these things have had a wide range, and I try to hone them down to things that really mean something to me; things that will really make a difference and not just be to my benefit. I've always wanted to have a great way of serving others that is sustainable and enjoyable for me. I have a hard time finding meaningful opportunities to volunteer in the US, and a "mission trip" is very expensive, and lately I equate the spread of religion with the spread of a kind of disease, so their true motives do not match mine. My only motive is to spread a better quality of life with no strings attached, and certainly no religious aim. Moving on, I also take issue with donating money to any charities, since generally their overhead is so high that a sad amount actually makes it to their target beneficiaries. I did find an approach that feels right to me, which is to donate goods instead of money. It's really what I've always wanted to be able to do, but the resources to do so are hard to find. In fact, so few places actually offer a way to do that, claiming they just need money, that I'm still having a hard time finding places to send commodities as opposed to money.
But anyway, this need to pare my life down to the most meaningful things is kind of taking over. I have always been averse to the way electronics have a way of sucking you in, and I L-O-V-E the more traditional ways of connecting with the people you love, like playing together, talking, working side-by-side -- these are my favorites. I have also discovered that I do not do well with long-distance relationships of ANY kind. I dislike communication in any form apart from in person. The friendships I've had over the years fade with time when our lives take us in different directions. Mostly because words truly are cheap. Words are almost always calculated to one aim or another and you don't always get to a person's soul by listening to them talk. I see a person's soul in their eyes, their laughter, their hugs, and other such things. When I don't get to interact with a person this way, I feel like I don't get all of them and that they have the opportunity to color my perceptions of them by using their words, rather than me being able to formulate my own perceptions by being able to observe them. There are few people who are so themselves when I speak to them that I feel like they are here with me. Those are the people I love the best :) ( Like you, Dad ;) ). This same sense of meaning is honed even when I listen to music. I can tell when the artist is singing with their soul or not. I have always eschewed all things superficial, but now even more. I feel like I need to pick and choose the things I surround myself with, and that the world is full of deep richness if you take the time to sift for it. It doesn't usually take much sifting, but sometimes I get so inundated by these people who have lost their sense of the depth of life that I'm left with nothing but disgust. People talk about such stupid things! Sometimes it's too much. I get so bored and frustrated listening to people talk about themselves, as though they are so interesting! Nope. Not to me. I have never considered myself that interesting, and never to the point that that's the only conversation I can make. I don't burden dialogue with anyone by painting the things I do as anything but mundane, but the people I find myself talking to think of themselves as the greatest thing. It annoys me a lot. I'm considering closing my Facebook account because if anything in this world is narcissistic, it is Facebook! I do not really need to know what people are doing every hour of the day. It taints my idea of humanity, reading what people deem interesting - which is themselves and what they are doing all day. It's such a turn-off to me for people I otherwise love. This is another disease that's reaching epidemic status - narcissism. Or has it always been this way, and my perception is just developing as I get older? Who knows.