Friendship.

I've been thinking a lot about friends lately. I think I was kind of spoiled in this aspect because when I was growing up I always had REALLY good friends. I think L.M. Montgomery refers to them as "bosom" friends in Anne of Green Gables. Basically it's a person you can share anything with, one who really "gets" you, as though you were meant all along to be friends...I think really it's like the perfect friend, someone who complements you very well, and who has the same style of communicating and with whom you have that perfect balance of sharing with one another. I've always had one of these, if not two, but I think that in my ideal world every person would have and be a bosom friend. I think I would like to know each of my friends this way, but the truth is that not very many people are cut out for this level of interaction or understanding. I'm coming to terms with the fact. I find it pretty amazing actually that I've found so many in my life up to this point. They kind of come in and out of my life, but I've always had the privilege of knowing really good, special people at one time or another.

Finally.

I have really done it! I've practically eliminated mainstream sugar products from my food intake :D I've had this goal for as long as I can remember...maybe since like 10 years old? It's been on my list of self-improvements for all that time haha. So I finally decided to just DO it. (I've been doing that a lot lately, just DOing stuff. It's a great feeling.) So I don't really wanna know how long it's been since I stopped buying candy and stuff, because that will just spur the thought of 'wow, that's a long time...maybe it wouldn't hurt to have just a little...' haha I don' wan' that. But suffice it to say that I've kept this up for quite awhile now. It was easy to slide into because I gave myself the parameter that I would only eat stuff I'd made myself, and ice cream, haha. So limiting myself to ice cream and toffee did the trick, and now I don't even crave the REALLY sugary stuff like oreos, and skittles and all that great stuff I used to eat by the pound lol.

So to test myself on how much the craving has actually disappeared I got a double fudge walnut brownie from Marie Callendar's. I was really surprised that I didn't want it on the way home from Fresno, and even more surprised when I actually ate it today around noon that I only wanted half of it! It's like I'm indifferent to the stuff now. Pretty crazy. I was considering this fact today and thought about all kinds of sugary stuff just to see if it made my mouth water, but it really didn't have the same effect that it used to. I just don't want them anymore. But, to this end do I resign myself haha...I will ALWAYS love homemade toffee, and ice cream sandwiches.

The Music.

The playlist I've posted is full of songs that seem to contradict each other, but they're the ones that embody the bitter-sweet nature of my life to this point. Each song (or group of songs) has a special meaning or represents a period of my life, the feelings thereof, but some of them are ones that just touch me or that bring a smile to my face. I could explain, but mostly they're self-explanatory :)

Getting Culture.

So far on this blog I've mostly recorded my ups and downs, but through the midst of all this I'm also learning a lot. I'm currently reading a great book called "The Dictionary of Cultural Literacy" by E.D. Hirsch, author of "What Your 2nd (3rd 4th, etc) Grader Needs to Know" which were books I grew up on and always wished extended further than 6th & 7th grade. It turns out, that in this book they do! It covers basically ANYthing you would need to know. I've always wanted a book like this and have searched high and low for it ever since I finished reading the Grader books. Mom really introduced it to me, in an indirect way. It was what she was TRYING to give me in the first place. She gave me a book called "Cultural Literacy" for Christmas a couple of years ago. It is also by E.D. Hirsch and she thought it would be something like the Grader books, but instead it speaks of the need for cultural literacy across the nation: in the schools, in homes; children (and adults!) need more of it! That was basically the premise of his book. It wasn't until the end of the book that he speaks of how to get cultural literacy. Obviously it's by reading, but he wrote a book to give you kind of a jump-start, and the book he wrote was the aforementioned Dictionary. I've been pretty much gobbling it up since I found it. It carries a veritable goldmine of information!! I loooove it. It's like a whole Master's Degree worth of education all in one book. Of course, to go more in-depth you'd have to read more books, but this is an amazing start.

Revival.

I've been doing some reading, and I found a little gem in my readings. See, I attribute my sense of loneliness and despair to the fact that I'm feeling a little useless lately. My job only requires me to work one day a week, so the rest of the week, while Jamie's at work I'm left entirely to my own devices. I feel like I'm frittering away time that could be used to do something productive. I tried to get a job back in November, but was told that the park was still processing applications from the summer. I wouldn't work anywhere in Mariposa either... it's just not a good place to be. Besides the risk of running into someone I loathe, it's just not an uplifting place to be. Everyone grows pot and uses, of course. It's a pretty low-income place where people with missing teeth is a really common sight. Now, I'm not against people without teeth necessarily, but like I said, not the most uplifting or inspiring of environments.
Anyway, so what's been nagging at me is that I need to be doing something to improve life, my own and others' so I want to volunteer, but I'm not sure exactly what way to volunteer that would do the most good. This question has been heckling me for awhile now. This brings me back to my reading. I found something that kind of spoke to me (which doesn't happen often these days) and it went something like this...in fact, I'll grab the book so it's verbatim. Here it is:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman (Source: What Would I Believe if I Didn't Believe Anything by Kent Ira Groff, 2004)
I read this today and it kind of struck me.
(It actually reminded me of something I read in another great book called "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (2006) It's in part two, chapter 64, page 191 - 192. You'll have to get the book ( I highly recommend it) to appreciate exactly what she's talking about, (she is a very cute, funny author) but this is the important excerpt. (I just had a de ja vu by the way...weeeird!) This is what she says, quoting one of the key concepts she is learning: " 'God dwells within you, as you.' AS you.
If there is one holy truth of this Yoga, that line encapsulates it. God dwells within you as you yourself, exactly the way you are... We all seem to get this idea that, in order to be sacred, we have to make some massive, dramatic change of character, that we have to renounce our individuality." Now, I'm not necessarily looking for God, but it follows the same line of thought as te previous statement I included)
It struck me so much in fact that I decided to make a list of things that really make me feel alive. The list went something like this (but is not all-inclusive(or in order of importance)):
Dancing
Pets
Interacting with Children & Babies
Jamie
Friends
Working Outdoors
Music
Books

Somehow, I need to more fully pursue the things that I am missing from that list in order to feel more alive. I'd really like to radiate with life and exuberance, which is my idea of being "alive" i'd like to feel a sense of contentment and peace with life. I feel like I'm almost there, really. It wouldn't take a whole lot to feel all awake again. I have some very great things going for me which have helped to pull me out of my hopeless state. Yoga is one of them. Great books is another; I finally feel as though I am learning what I've been wanting to all my life! Music is another. The prospect of making new and better friends is another; I've been taking some steps to finding these people that I need in my life, and it feels great. The things I'm missing are Working Outdoors, Dancing, Pets, and Babies/Children. It's been awhile since I visited my siblings in Sacramento, and it's wearing on me. I miss them lots. But it's not just them. I need other children that I can help to fill that void. That would be the most fulfilling thing possible. Best scenario would be to tutor children in reading or math. That would be extremely fulfilling because I'd actually be doing two things: one, helping a child succeed; and two, proving to myself that I can actually tutor someone in math. The second would be a big one for me because math intimidated the heck out of me until I went to tutoring myself and was able to finally take Algebra (which, to my complete surprise and pride, I completed with an A grade.) So I'm thinking that that would be an excellent route to take for the boost I need. Another would be to care for infants. Whether paid or not, it would be amazing for me. I'm checking out some possible leads for this as we speak.
As for dancing, there's a studio not far from me that offers Ballet, Tap, Jazz and Hip Hop. What I'd really like is Ballroom, but I'll take what I can get. Actually, Tap would be a good precursor for Irish Step Dance, which is something I'd like to pursue at some point in the future :) Also Ballet might be really fun too. I've never taken it, but always entertained the idea.
So anyway, that's how things stand at the moment. I'm looking into anything that will help me feel nourished and revived.

A Crying Shame.

In leaving the Church, it seems that I have left a lot of friends as well. It's sad, because these are the friends I would have liked to have for the rest of my life. I just can't get past the feeling that they don't approve of my decision, and that they would feel that I had changed or something because of it. This saddens me, because it seems like they ought to know better. It seems that the only thing they ever saw in me or thought they knew was my devotion to the church. It's strange that they would disapprove or judge me for going a different way than themselves. It seems that the love of some of these friends and former leaders comes with a price. The price is that I must stay exactly the same in my beliefs and practices as I was when they were friends with me or taught me. It's weird that this love is SO conditional. It doesn't make sense. But then again, it does. It figures, because the whole church hinges on this idea of conditional yet unconditional love. It's a stupid paradox that's supposed to somehow make sense. It goes something like "You do what I want and expect and I'll love you boundlessly; but! do what I disapprove of, and I will still love you, but not your actions." To me this is an absolutely ridiculous concept. It seems it should be either love me or don't! Don't pretend to love me, but just not love my "actions" What happened to the proverbs "beauty is as beauty does" and "don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk" or "actions speak louder than words" ? It seems that somehow this "I just don't love your sins" is an acceptable, justifiable way of casting a stone without APPEARING to cast a stone. It's this haughty, holier-than-thou approach that SOMEHOW has become acceptable and even commonplace in the "Christian" world.
I don't get it. I wish people would freaking just be honest and not try to cover up or sugar-coat things. I would appreciate it so much more if someone would just come out and say something like "I don't agree with what you're doing and I admit it changes my feelings about you" THANK you! Finally some honesty. Then at least there wouldn't be the underlying guilt trip. Then that shows me that hey! this person really is superficial if they're going to see me in terms of black and white and not really try to understand my point of view at all. On to the next person who might actually value me! Instead you have someone who's trying to LOOK like they might value you, but in fact don't really value you at all. But they just don't want you to know that outright.

But maybe I'm not giving them enough credit, maybe they wouldn't feel this way after all! But no, it's true. How do I know? Because I've been around them enough, and seen how they speak of other people. I've always been wary of gossipy people or those who are unkind behind someone's back, because it says to me how they must be about me when I'm not around. So, in seeing how they handle other people who've left the church and such, people who they were close to before, I can see exactly how they would be with me if I were to also do something of this sort. It seems that while they will camouflage their disappointment when speaking with the person in question, they will be very open and honest about their feelings when that person is not around. It's a real shame that this is how it is. I wish I had some honest-to-goodness genuine people to know. It kills me that there aren't more of these around. I think I'll get in touch with more of those people I can count on and maybe sometime I'll run into some more people who love me in a true sense.

What's to Come?

This question hasn't bothered me in a looong time. Even within the realms of being LDS it wasn't too much of a problem. My options were either to go to Outer Darkness, which didn't seem likely; the Telestial Kingdom, which didn't seem too likely either since I'd been baptized and all that; the Terrestrial Kingdom, which, by most accounts is just like the earth as it is now, or the Celestial Kingdom, which apparently is the ultimate in terms of residing in bliss and God's love, etc.

So, I figured I was pretty much guaranteed Terrestrial at the worst, and Celestial at the best and decided that the Terrestrial was not too shabby. I love life as it is! At least, I always *did* so the prospect didn't bother me that much. Now that I've stepped back from LDS living, and am not thinking in those terms anymore, it doesn't really matter to me *where* I go. I can honestly say that the idea of death hasn't ever concerned me that much. The only things that scare me about death are: the prospect of dying slowly and in excruciating pain; drowning; or being murdered. Those things scare the bejeebies out of me. (Actually, being murdered would really piss me off, after the fact.) Other than that if I die quickly and painlessly, it's no biggie! I figure that anywhere I go is just fine, whether it's reincarnation; a deep, dark void; absolute nonexistence (not possible anyway as far as I know); Heaven; Hell; the Telestial Kingdom - what-have-you! It's all good. I think if I've lived a good long life I'll have the memories of everything that was good to hang onto. Even if I die right now I'll have great memories. Then again, if I don't have any memories, then I won't know what to miss. Either way, I'll be just peachy.

I also don't see the point in busting my ass in order to make it to the Celestial Kingdom just to get there and have God look at his charts and say something like "Okay...Mabry, Katie Ruth, LDS, Baptized, Confirmed, Sealed in the Temple, prayers twice a day, good good. Okay Katie, it seems that your religion led you to believe that only by following their teachings could you get here, but if you look around you'll see that that young man is Muslim, this young lady is Hindu, and that guy is Jewish, and they all made it too. You might as well have been part of any one of the other religions as long as you lived by the truths of love, compassion, selfless giving..." What a waste of all that energy to live up to the Mormon standard of living!! There are much simpler ways of life out there that make more sense than Mormonism.

Also, all this hype about "families are forever" that's propagated by Mormonism doesn't really make much sense to me. I won't miss my family THAT much if I have the memories of all of them that will last for an eternity. I mean some of you have to separate for some time when you die and are just hanging out in paradise until the judgement day. There will always be people here or there until then! So anyway, all of that doesn't really have the effect that it's probably supposed to. I'm not stunned/awed anymore by the idea of being together forever.
I'm also not that concerned about being separated. My family is pretty compartmentalized anyway. We're not that close in the grand scheme of things. It just seems funny to me how even if you never talk or see each other much in this life, you think you'll miss them *more* if you know they're in another dimension from yourself. It's just kind of fussy and trifling to worry about it.

A Guitarist in the Making? (absolutely!)

Okay, so I'm just *so* excited. I finally got my new guitar tuned. I was having some trouble keeping it in tune 'til my little musician brother gave me the solution, and now it's keeping tune just nicely! So, now that it's in tune, the chords that a few days ago sounded *awful* are now just gorgeous. It excites me so much. What I hear in the chords is possibility! I have wanted to learn guitar for as long as I can remember...I think I got it from my dad lol... I have this memory of me and my siblings as kids, all sitting on the floor around my dad who was sitting on his bed playing his guitar. It was such a fun night. He seemed like he was having fun and feeling kind of playful and asked us for requests. Haha, I didn't know if this was actually a song, but it sounded like a good title! My request was "Stranger With a Gun" hahaha. He laughed in a nice way and said "Welp, not sure if I know that one but I think I can try" and then proceeded to improv a cute, fun little song for me. It was so awesome. It's one of my favorite memories of my dad. I'm pretty sure I was really young, maybe it was while mom was pregnant with Dillon, so I was about five I guess. Gah, I just love it.
So I bought myself a decent guitar (which doubled as a Christmas present for Jamie haha, from us to each other) and am now learning to play it. I spent the first week that I couldn't play it properly (because of the tuning problem) just feeling the strings and building resistance to the inevitable pain, and just tonight I realized that my fingertips are already developing calluses! They're shiny in the way that only callusing fingers can be, and I'm finding it easier to play. It is just so freakin' exciting! I've never gotten this far before.

So Close I Can Smell the Cigar.

The realization of all my dreams is so close at hand. Sometimes it seems so bland, to have everything already mapped out. Who has their life already planned by the time their 19? I feel like an old lady sometimes, a little too familiar with myself, but it's *so* comforting to know what I want out of life! It's exciting, even if it is a bit of a spoiler on the plot. But in truth it was the key to the happiness I desire the remaining years of my life.

See, if you refer back to my post about guys and stuff, you'll notice the undertones of anticipation of an unfinished life; the rosebud that never opened. That was what I anticipated in marrying young and that distressed me a great deal. I have never, ever wanted to be just a housewife and I do mean *just* a housewife. There is such a thing, no matter how people may try to cast it. Perhaps when I am older and have young ones of my own I will understand where they're coming from, but at this point the idea just rubs me entirely the wrong way.

So what I did (as ever :P) was make a list. I focused all possible concentration on defining my goals and dreams for life; every one of them, no matter how outlandish or pie-in-the-sky and found, to my delight, that they were all quite doable; and so my distress vanished and was replaced by this wonderful, almost giddy feeling. The feeling that I could do *everything* I wanted and still have the best things in life in the form of a husband and little ones. Granted, I won't be having any children for the next 2-5 years, furthering enabling me to reach a level of satisfaction with the duration and quality of my activities, but I will marry in absolute confidence that I will in every way be a fulfilled, contented individual by the time my babies roll around.
I think, in a way, that I owe it to them.
One of the peaks of frustration to me is to hear the wistful longing of a parent who didn't get to entirely pursue their dreams. It is just so sad to hear that life came at them a little too fast, even if it did bring some little delightfuls in its wake. I don't want my children to hear me say anything but "Oh yes love, I was so ready for you" with the confidence of someone who is satisfied with her share of living. I think there's something valuable in having parents who have gotten a lot out of life, and have a lot to share; and most importantly, who have a happy and loving outlook on life. I would be quite dismayed if I didn't have this to offer, and if I couldn't do this for myself.

When You Feel All Alone.

I'm feeling a little forsaken lately. It's like all of the friends I thought I had aren't there now. It's funny, because I think that if I'd been a little more popular in my high school years, I wouldn't feel so unfulfilled now. But I'm pretty sure that what it comes down to is that the only friends that really matter are the ones who know you through and through. I can't know that for sure though because I never had the chance to make any really superficial friends haha. Maybe that's a real blessing, or maybe I am just making sour grapes. Really though, the best friends I've ever had still adore me and keep in touch with me...the other ones, not so much. It frustrates me though that the people I thought loved me always seem to slip away. The efforts I make to say "Hey how's it going?" every once in awhile go ignored. I'm not overbearing, it somehow just seems to escape them to be able to give me a hey back. Makes me wonder what's wrong with me because the cases aren't isolated, this is ongoing. So strange.
It makes me want to get a dog - dogs aren't ever indifferent; never ignore you. I need that kind of enthusiastic, unbridled, unfailing love. The alternative is to have a baby, which isn't exactly the healthiest approach; my own family is proof of that :)
So a dog it is, a puppy to raise properly and love abundantly for years and years. The truth is that I need some kind of purpose, something to take care of, because I feel like I'm floudering, searching for meaning and coming up empty-handed. I feel like I'm slipping further and further. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now, I don't understand what I'm doing here. It was so much easier to be Mormon. I resent it because it was so simple, yet so demanding. What I wouldn't give for the feeling of purpose I felt at one time; but this time it would have to be more substantial. It was too empty, too baseless before. I need something more, but I haven't found it yet. Don't know what to do, don't know what I'm doing here; with no purpose, no goals beyond personal gratification by way of learning and travel. I don't want to believe in Heaven though, don't want to believe in Hell. It's too simplistic to think that way. The world is much more complex than that. The quandry though, is that I miss that simplistic kind of one-track thinking. It was comfortable for Pete's sake. Damn it.