Willful Ignorance.

I'm the first to admit that I am guilty of willful ignorance. The idea that I already "know" everything I need to know about something, based on opinions I've heard or things passed down to me by my elders; deciding that I've already formed my "own" opinion, which I'm entitled to, godammit, and that I have no responsibility to see things any differently or gain further knowledge.

I felt this way about racism, that I wasn't *really* racist, I just indulged in a joke here and there. I wasn't *really* racist, I just acknowledged that the stereotypes actually reflect "reality". What I didn't realize or acknowledge was that that is the insidious nature of racism. The jokes and stereotypes are at the heart of racism, because that's how it begins, by allowing yourself to see people not as fellow human beings, but as something less than you are. This is how every form of bigotry begins, be it homophobia, sexism, ageism, or racism.  The truth is that the stuff of stereotypes is really just the stuff of all intrinsically flawed humanity, so to marginalize a person based on their assumed faults, based on what they look like is simply not okay. Better to assess their character as you get to know them to decide if they're worth hanging around with.

It took beginning a career in real estate, which prohibits racism in all forms, including even listening to racist jokes, to jolt me awake. I woke up to the idea that I've gotten complacent about keeping ignorance at bay, and that there is still so much to be learned about my fellow humans. I realized, specifically, that I know next to nothing about American Indians, or about Jews, or very much about slavery, or even the women's rights movement. In order to understand people, I need to know their story. I have some serious catching up to do. I've realized that each person has a voice, and each culture has a story, and as a lover of history and a devourer of stories of all kinds, it is my duty and pleasure to devour and find the value in the stories of all peoples and nations, and to acknowledge the humanity and worth of each individual, free from the constraints of stereotypes and closed-mindedness. This is the present, this is the future, so I need to haul myself into the 21st century.

Insomnia.

Nothing like a sleepless time in the wee hours of the morning to prompt a blog post. What's keeping me up? Rejection.
 Little Addie had her first time at day care today, sort of a trial run for when I'm working full time as a real estate salesperson. We thought it was going to be the start of a long and great parent-to-childcare-provider relationship, but it was not to be. It turns out that Addie is too needy for the caregiver's personal style. She prefers more self-sufficient children. What a blow that was! I was so excited and am now so deflated and somewhat undone. I mean, I know she's needy. Lordy do I know! But I was just hopeful that she would get caught up in the excitement of having new friends and a new play environment, etc.  and enter a new stage of independence. It was a pretty tall order lol. So now I have to explore other options. Jamie will get laid off in the fall, so if we can make it on my income, that would be awesome for him to be a stay at home dad! It would really cement their slow-growing bond.

See, Addie has been momma's little barnacle from day one. She was heartbroken to discover that we were no longer essentially one person, and so has done her best to recreate the experience, lol. Jamie and I joke that her gestation has lasted two years instead of the standard nine months. The books say to expect three more months of glomming, naturally, but I certainly didn't expect the extra year lol.  She rejected - strongly and inconsolably - even the notion of separation from me for the first probably 6 months.  She slept right in the middle of my chest, insisted on being my "koala" (our word for hanging out in the baby sling tied to my torso. That thing was an absolute lifesaver.) during waking hours and wailed if I tried to pass her off to her daddy while I took a shower, ate and other life-sustaining activities lol. And so it went. I thought I was going to go insane. But then the clouds slowly but surely parted and now I'm only marginally crazy lol. She's been slowly accepting Jamie more and more over the months and now I can actually walk through the room without her squawking for me! It's amazing lol. Absolutely fantastic. They sit on the couch and watch Lenka videos and eat watermelon haha. She looooves watermelon. I'm so thrilled that Jamie finally has a little watermelon buddy; because unless it's REALLY juicy and sweet, I'm just not a big fan. Anyway, it's freaking adorable. She has always been so adorable. Engaging, sweet, determined. Perfect. Everything that makes her challenging for me also makes her so freaking perfect!
I can't imagine life without her; she's so amazingly ours. She fits so well; mostly be use she chiseled her spot out tooth and nail lol. It's all good though because it's getting so much better all the time.

I tend to think everything happens for a reason, because, even if it doesn't, the idea makes me always look for the good that comes from any less-than-ideal situation; but really things do seem to always work out better in the end. So maybe getting rejected from day care is really the best thing because it forces us to let daddy be her primary caregiver and really even things out. I think this could really work!