Getting Real.

So, noone's following this blog yet, so I don't feel obligated to live up to any expectations anyone may have for me. This is the place for me to be really me - so if you're reading this it's probably because you'd like to truly know me, and if you're not, then it truly is just *my* blog, with noone to judge it. At any rate, I am really tired of having to censor myself with certain people for fear that they'll judge me. That's not the way I want to live; people will just have to suck it up and realize I'm not the person that I used to be or that they'd always hoped or expected I would be. I admit I feel a little angry and defensive; noone has the right to decide how I should live my life. I really feel the need to explain everything about myself to everyone. It's pretty pathetic really. I'm not going to live that way anymore. I'm just going to record how I feel about things in the way that I would if noone were going to judge me. This is the only way I'll ever truly be able to claim my self. So these are the things that I am really brimming about but can't seem to tell anyone; but no longer!
I've quit going to church, and have never been happier in my life! I'll admit it was difficult at first, and still is sometimes, because I miss that feeling of belonging - the feeling of friendship that I felt there. But I felt it was necessary for my personal development. I needed to get out and see the world with new eyes. It confirmed my long-time belief that there was more joy out there than I could have ever experienced in the closed environment the church lent me to. If I had stayed in the church and stuck to the beliefs that members should never date anyone outside the church (unless they plan on converting them) I would have missed out on the chance of a lifetime to find true love. People may scoff when they read this, but it's true. There's nothing more I could want. It's real, genuine, and amazing. I can't thank my lucky stars enough that I didn't let religion get in the way of something so truly *awe*some. It seemed so trivial to say "Well if you don't accept this crap for truth because I want you to, then I can't be with you" and by that time I was really thinking it was crap - he really came along at the opportune time. It was as good a time as any to leave, and with an amazing outcome. As it is, I feel fulfilled as a person, and my love life is brimming with tenderness and caring. I am so impressed that he is so understanding and loving, and most importantly, not controlling.
I have to say that from the time I was about 17 I was SO dreading marrying a Mormon man...I was trying so hard to talk myself into how it would work with this one guy I was planning on marrying, who wanted to marry me, but it could never work out no matter which angle I took on it. As far as I could tell he was wanting to follow the (for the most part) typical mormon lifestyle and timeline. He was going to get back from his mission and marry me before I was 20, then we'd immediately have children, even before his career was stabilized. So the way I could see this going was that we'd have two or three children before I was even 22, and of course I'd have to stay at home from the time we had our first, never getting out to develop my own career or further my education...so we'd be living on one income, and most likely a poor one, while he struggled to get through college and onto a better-paying job. This reminded me tooooo much of the path my parents took and I was not looking forward to a life of poverty, or just getting by, at best. Also, I could see things going that we would supposedly be on equal planes, but that he would have the last say in matters of the family, etc. as he would be the "head of the household" and that just did not appeal to me. But I couldn't tell him these things, because then I would probably not fit the bill of a good mormon wife. So I did the best thing for everyone and got out. I found an amazing non-mormon man who loves me better than I could ever hope for, and who treats me so entirely as his equal. Life is so, so good.