A Crying Shame.

In leaving the Church, it seems that I have left a lot of friends as well. It's sad, because these are the friends I would have liked to have for the rest of my life. I just can't get past the feeling that they don't approve of my decision, and that they would feel that I had changed or something because of it. This saddens me, because it seems like they ought to know better. It seems that the only thing they ever saw in me or thought they knew was my devotion to the church. It's strange that they would disapprove or judge me for going a different way than themselves. It seems that the love of some of these friends and former leaders comes with a price. The price is that I must stay exactly the same in my beliefs and practices as I was when they were friends with me or taught me. It's weird that this love is SO conditional. It doesn't make sense. But then again, it does. It figures, because the whole church hinges on this idea of conditional yet unconditional love. It's a stupid paradox that's supposed to somehow make sense. It goes something like "You do what I want and expect and I'll love you boundlessly; but! do what I disapprove of, and I will still love you, but not your actions." To me this is an absolutely ridiculous concept. It seems it should be either love me or don't! Don't pretend to love me, but just not love my "actions" What happened to the proverbs "beauty is as beauty does" and "don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk" or "actions speak louder than words" ? It seems that somehow this "I just don't love your sins" is an acceptable, justifiable way of casting a stone without APPEARING to cast a stone. It's this haughty, holier-than-thou approach that SOMEHOW has become acceptable and even commonplace in the "Christian" world.
I don't get it. I wish people would freaking just be honest and not try to cover up or sugar-coat things. I would appreciate it so much more if someone would just come out and say something like "I don't agree with what you're doing and I admit it changes my feelings about you" THANK you! Finally some honesty. Then at least there wouldn't be the underlying guilt trip. Then that shows me that hey! this person really is superficial if they're going to see me in terms of black and white and not really try to understand my point of view at all. On to the next person who might actually value me! Instead you have someone who's trying to LOOK like they might value you, but in fact don't really value you at all. But they just don't want you to know that outright.

But maybe I'm not giving them enough credit, maybe they wouldn't feel this way after all! But no, it's true. How do I know? Because I've been around them enough, and seen how they speak of other people. I've always been wary of gossipy people or those who are unkind behind someone's back, because it says to me how they must be about me when I'm not around. So, in seeing how they handle other people who've left the church and such, people who they were close to before, I can see exactly how they would be with me if I were to also do something of this sort. It seems that while they will camouflage their disappointment when speaking with the person in question, they will be very open and honest about their feelings when that person is not around. It's a real shame that this is how it is. I wish I had some honest-to-goodness genuine people to know. It kills me that there aren't more of these around. I think I'll get in touch with more of those people I can count on and maybe sometime I'll run into some more people who love me in a true sense.