So Close I Can Smell the Cigar.

The realization of all my dreams is so close at hand. Sometimes it seems so bland, to have everything already mapped out. Who has their life already planned by the time their 19? I feel like an old lady sometimes, a little too familiar with myself, but it's *so* comforting to know what I want out of life! It's exciting, even if it is a bit of a spoiler on the plot. But in truth it was the key to the happiness I desire the remaining years of my life.

See, if you refer back to my post about guys and stuff, you'll notice the undertones of anticipation of an unfinished life; the rosebud that never opened. That was what I anticipated in marrying young and that distressed me a great deal. I have never, ever wanted to be just a housewife and I do mean *just* a housewife. There is such a thing, no matter how people may try to cast it. Perhaps when I am older and have young ones of my own I will understand where they're coming from, but at this point the idea just rubs me entirely the wrong way.

So what I did (as ever :P) was make a list. I focused all possible concentration on defining my goals and dreams for life; every one of them, no matter how outlandish or pie-in-the-sky and found, to my delight, that they were all quite doable; and so my distress vanished and was replaced by this wonderful, almost giddy feeling. The feeling that I could do *everything* I wanted and still have the best things in life in the form of a husband and little ones. Granted, I won't be having any children for the next 2-5 years, furthering enabling me to reach a level of satisfaction with the duration and quality of my activities, but I will marry in absolute confidence that I will in every way be a fulfilled, contented individual by the time my babies roll around.
I think, in a way, that I owe it to them.
One of the peaks of frustration to me is to hear the wistful longing of a parent who didn't get to entirely pursue their dreams. It is just so sad to hear that life came at them a little too fast, even if it did bring some little delightfuls in its wake. I don't want my children to hear me say anything but "Oh yes love, I was so ready for you" with the confidence of someone who is satisfied with her share of living. I think there's something valuable in having parents who have gotten a lot out of life, and have a lot to share; and most importantly, who have a happy and loving outlook on life. I would be quite dismayed if I didn't have this to offer, and if I couldn't do this for myself.