When You Feel All Alone.

I'm feeling a little forsaken lately. It's like all of the friends I thought I had aren't there now. It's funny, because I think that if I'd been a little more popular in my high school years, I wouldn't feel so unfulfilled now. But I'm pretty sure that what it comes down to is that the only friends that really matter are the ones who know you through and through. I can't know that for sure though because I never had the chance to make any really superficial friends haha. Maybe that's a real blessing, or maybe I am just making sour grapes. Really though, the best friends I've ever had still adore me and keep in touch with me...the other ones, not so much. It frustrates me though that the people I thought loved me always seem to slip away. The efforts I make to say "Hey how's it going?" every once in awhile go ignored. I'm not overbearing, it somehow just seems to escape them to be able to give me a hey back. Makes me wonder what's wrong with me because the cases aren't isolated, this is ongoing. So strange.
It makes me want to get a dog - dogs aren't ever indifferent; never ignore you. I need that kind of enthusiastic, unbridled, unfailing love. The alternative is to have a baby, which isn't exactly the healthiest approach; my own family is proof of that :)
So a dog it is, a puppy to raise properly and love abundantly for years and years. The truth is that I need some kind of purpose, something to take care of, because I feel like I'm floudering, searching for meaning and coming up empty-handed. I feel like I'm slipping further and further. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now, I don't understand what I'm doing here. It was so much easier to be Mormon. I resent it because it was so simple, yet so demanding. What I wouldn't give for the feeling of purpose I felt at one time; but this time it would have to be more substantial. It was too empty, too baseless before. I need something more, but I haven't found it yet. Don't know what to do, don't know what I'm doing here; with no purpose, no goals beyond personal gratification by way of learning and travel. I don't want to believe in Heaven though, don't want to believe in Hell. It's too simplistic to think that way. The world is much more complex than that. The quandry though, is that I miss that simplistic kind of one-track thinking. It was comfortable for Pete's sake. Damn it.