Education.

So, I am of the opinion that there is altogether too much hype about a college education. I would much rather seek out and absorb the information that I feel I need to know on my own time, in my own way. I have two fantastic books that are extremely helpful to me in my endeavor. I would bet that within the next year, I'll be more thoroughly educated and remember more of what I learned than the average graduate. I think the difference is that I take the time to ruminate and memorize the things I need to know, rather than just underline in my textbooks and pop out assignments like so many do when in college. In college, it seems that it's all about the grade and the credits more than it is about *learning* and that is what makes all the difference. People are in such an all-fired hurry to get through so they can just get all THAT behind them and get on with LIFE. Haha, but what is life without book-learning? I can't separate the two.

Anyway, back to my original point. It seems to be a pretty common feeling that if you just get your degree then the whole world will open up to you! I think that it is so misleading how much adults stress a college education on the next generation. I mean, what good is that degree if you've never held a real job? You're not gonna jump right into an 80k+ a year job without any working experience, even if you ARE an aspiring cop or nurse or doctor... it just doesn't happen. At least not that I know of. My experience tells me that those potential employers will raise their eyebrow at you while asking "So you've never had full-time employment?". Here you are all young and excited, freshly graduated, but with no real skills or references. Boy howdy, did that degree really pay off! Not. Bottom line, in my opinion you should always be employed, ALWAYS, and pursue your education at the same time, be that whatever it may. I think more adults who are stressing that a college education is important should ALSO stress the importance of having a good record of keeping jobs and acquiring skills and building good rapport with their employers. Let's cut the bullshit and tell it like it is, can we? Quit getting the kids' hopes up about the great jobs they will land once they've graduated, even though for the last four to six years they've done nothing but study, party and sleep. It's just not gonna happen.

Sexuality.

I'm pretty sure I believe in soul mates. Most of the time it sounds pret-ty corny, and especially so when certain types of people talk about it. Something occurred to me lately though, that maybe we don't only have one soul mate, but two. One female, one male, no matter what sex you are. The crazy thing is, I have found both. I've never really admitted to a whole lot of people that I'm attracted to women, but in knowing all of me, you would know this too. The crazy thing is that this is not so much of a big deal to me anymore...except maybe a little bit. I mean, I know there are a lot of people out there who cringe at the mere mention of any type of sexuality, much less homosexuality. But I guess it's been a part of me for so long, and I've been comfortable with it for what's almost a few years now, that there's only a small part of me that's squeamish about other people knowing. In fact, I welcome people knowing this about me because it's one more little gem about myself that I generally keep to myself. Maybe to know me is to know all of me. I think that's how I want it. :) The truth is that the inside of me is vibrant and beautiful and juicy. I have felt non-descript for almost all of my life, but the truth is that all the description is inside, waiting for safety. Well, I'm getting to the safety, day by day. :D It's pretty amazing. I think that people don't realize what goes on in this head of mine and that's how I liked it for the longest time.

In fact, I still have some reluctance to let the whole world see me. It's like I'll become mainstream or something haha. I kind of compare it to the great little bands that only a few people know about and it's like a fun little secret that everyone who knows relishes... and then, as the greatest bands do, they get discovered, and the WHOLE WORLD thinks they are the GREATEST band EVER! and then the ones who knew about them the whole time get disgusted, sick to their stomachs almost, thinking of something akin to their band being exploited by all these morons who only love them because they're the greatest thing at the moment.
Now, I'm not saying that I'll get world-famous because of what's inside me; I don't plan on writing a NY Times Bestselling autobiography or anything, but the concept applies. Sometimes the great little secrets are best kept a true secret. Maybe to know me isn't to know all of me. Maybe it is best that way.

Why Do I Startle?

I wrote this the other day, using a method my therapist taught me of just following my stream of consciousness and not censoring what I write (which explains how fragmented it seems). The question floating in my mind above it all was "Why do I startle?" and this is what became of it. (Beware of graphic images that may present themselves in the mind's eye...well, depending on how imaginative you are. )

Fear - fear of something big, cruel, wants to hurt me, vicious, mean, glinting eyes, monstrous; take something from me, use me, dispose of me, kill me, hurt me, mangle me, strip me of everything, eat me, cut me, hit me, kick me, rape me, mock me, break my heart, leave me bleeding, laughing cruelly, grab me, kidnap me, terrify me, control me, steal my essence, leave me broken, curse me, haunt me, commandeer me, appropriate me, stunt me, prevent me, ruin me, touch me, rape my heart, strip me of everything, break me, insult me, objectify me, ignore my protests, hold me down, enrage me, helpless, frustrated, crying, fighting, losing, screaming, helpless, noone to hear, noone to help, at his mercy, tied, gagged, caged, starved, tortured
PAIN - pain is why I startle; fear of pain on all its forms. Scratch me, bite me, force me, shoot me, break my bones, slash my skin, make me ugly, demean me, tear off my fingernails, pluck out my eyelashes, cut out my tongue, scalp me, drown me, pull my teeth, cut off limbs, draw & quarter me, feed me to animals...
Fear of the dark, fear of the empty, fear of being alone, fear of being snatched. Why this fear? Who did this? Who planted this fear...


And there it is: raw, graphic, real. It actually helped, putting it all on paper. I actually kind of looked at it and thought "is that all? that's all I'm worried about?" which I know, sounds like a crazy thing to think after all that, but to me it was more of a breath of relief, because I know I can prevent 99, if not 100 percent of all of these things from ever happening, or (for some) happening again. I realized something in looking at it. I've always feared some sort of monster, a kind of half man, half demon type of creature, but such a fear is unfounded as such a beast doesn't exist and this realization hit me in the form of a short verse "If it's human I can hurt it; if it's not it can't hurt me" and that was it. That was the realization I needed, the reassurance that I can protect myself. Jamie would agree that my punch is hard and fast and a few of those should render anyone helpless. Even if my assailant (more specifically a "he") had a gun to my head I have the resources to disarm him. Crazy huh? All it took was a little thought, coming out of that paralysis of fear to say hey, I can beat whatever might want to do this to me. Haha, I have to admit though that the movies don't help matters. The 15-minute fighting scenes are a little disheartening... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't hold up that long. Jamie assured me though that it's not like that in real life. People in a LOT of pain don't keep on coming. Then I asked him about people on drugs, because apparently those do a lot to dull the pain. He said that that's when you start breaking bones because noone can use something that's broken. So anyway, this helps me deal with my fear, but doesn't root out the underlying cause. I'm pretty sure how to answer the last questions of my little monologue. That's actually in another letter I wrote about two or three years back. Maybe I'll post that one too; although that one's kind of heavier matter.

What I Like.

This is a summary of what makes me really tick. A list actually. I really like lists. Anyway, this list is a compilation of things I have discovered over the years that I really enjoy. More particularly, they are things that I have come to know about myself through browsing through college course catalogs and found that I am drawn to.

This is pretty much, in a nutshell, what I want to study:
People (Psychology, History, Culture, Child Development, Education, etc.)
Math (Algebra, Calculus, Geometry, Trigonometry, Statistics...)
Science (Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Geology, Astronomy, Botany, Zoology, etc.)
Language (Italian, Spanish, Mandarin, Hindi, Japanese, French, Swahili, German, & more)
Literature (English, American, Asian, Native American, etc.)

(This is a list I made a couple of weeks ago when trying to think more positively. This is what I came up with.)
Things I Love:
Books
Jamie
Nature
Love
Babies
Endorphins
Work
Income
People
Hot Baths
Learning
Family
Flowers
Gardening
Math
Water
Music
Challenges/Opportunities
Good Food
Great Health
Fresh Air
Laughter
Sleep
Comfy Bedding
Movies
Games
Smiles
Beauty
Talent
Sun/Tanning
Cookies
Ice Cream

:) So there you have it. A little more about me. Maybe there's more to come, maybe that really is just me in a nutshell :D

A Bit of Earth.

Jamie and I are going to plant a garden this year. We've been getting the boxes ready for about the last three months. It's been slow-going, mostly because at the place we're renting the "garden" hadn't been touched in six years. Everything was pretty overgrown, the chicken wire for the gophers had rotted out, and the wood is warped and beginning to rot. First thing, we dug up all the weeds, which was easier than I thought it'd be! Then we dug up all the dirt and mixed some compost in with it to make it really rich, and now we're in the process of stapling new chicken wire into the boxes to keep the gophers out. We're really almost finished. After that we can finish refilling the boxes and finally plant! I'm pretty excited about that. We're going to plant cucumbers, tomatoes, spices, carrots, and watermelon. Jamie is especially excited about the watermelon lol. We started the seeds in peat pots about a month and a half ago and they're getting to be sturdy little things! I call them his babies haha. I tried to start some of my own - cucumbers, but a mouse ate the stalks down to the soil :( So I've decided to just buy some seedlings and start from there. The rest will grow from seeds sown into the garden.

Ya know, I've heard people say that gardening is a kind of therapy for them, and I believed them, but never experienced it firsthand until now. There's something about creating something with my hands and working in the soil that really refreshes me. The sun is nice too. (I'm getting a tan!) I've definitely noticed a change in my moods since I started. I don't feel as melancholy anymore, which may be because of a variety of things, but the garden has definitely helped. Also, it really buoys me up to have Jamie working with me on a project. It's really impressive how easily he shovels pounds and pounds of dirt haha. There's just something about seeing my man at work that really tickles me pink lol. Makes me really glad he's mine.

I've been tagged :)

My sister Eve tagged me a little while ago and I put off filling it out because, and this is kind of silly, I balked at the "what are you wearing?" question haha, because around the house in the mornings (typically the time I blog) I actually wear very little lol. So anyway, today I happen to be properly dressed, so let's proceed :P

Six names you go by:
1. Katie Lou - (mom, dad and sometimes carter)
2. KatieKatie (Jamie)
3. BabyRoo (Jamie)
4 Keedledee (dillon when he was younger - it kinda stuck)
5. Katie Moo (haha one that only Anna can use)
6. KatieBug (my "fiancee" LeTeishia :P)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. The white tank top I wear under my work shirt
2. Long Shorts
3. A "Cozy Blanket"

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Some good friends to hang out with
2. A second job to fill my time
3. More books!

People who I hope will fill this out:1. Mom 2. Austin 3. Wilson

Two things you did last night:1. Watched Bones (great show!). 2.Watched Bridget Jones' Diary (cute movie!)

Two things I ate today: Um...just a cup of hot cocoa so far. 2.

People you last talked to on the phone: 1. The ahwahnee concierge. 2.The secretary at Jamie's work.

Two things you are going to do tomorrow:1. Go to Oakhurst. Call Jamie's mom.

Your favorite beverages:1. Whole Milk 2. Dr. Pepper 3. Water 4. Juice

It's difficult to put my thoughts into words sometimes because while, to my mind, I am simply coming into myself and discovering many beautiful things about life and love, I fear that it appears to others that I am changing out of the person they always knew and loved, into someone strange and foreign to them. I wish there was a way for me to show them that I am still the same person, just looking to figure everything out in my own way and time.
The truth is that I feel so liberated by my choices and their outcomes, and then feel really downcast when I think of the people who will think poorly of me for them. It has made me kind of wary about how much of my joy I share with people, and lends me to think too much about what others think at the cost of my personal joy. Cultural pressure is a difficult thing to combat in terms of how it affects your view of yourself and your decisions, no matter how confident you feel about them within your heart. I've been told I'm at that age and stage of difficulty in figuring out which and how much people's opinions should bear sway. I feel very vulnerable about it because people's high opinions of me have been something that I have relied on in shaping my self-confidence and self-concepts. It's hard to break away from that, but I'm realizing that that's just one of the byproducts of making your own way in life and making decisions on your own. When I look at it in that light, I wouldn't take my choices back for any number of respecting friends. It's just something I need to work through and move past.

John Mayer - Say.

This song is really amazing to me. You know why? It brings back one of my favorite memories of Jamie and I, smiling into each other's eyes and slow-dancing to this song in a grocery store around 9:30pm. It was a really special moment that I think I'll cherish forever. It embodied the amount of pure fun we have together, and our ability to capture a beautiful moment.

I haven't really talked about Jamie a whole lot so far, probably because I don't want to sound like every other sentimental, happy-in-love woman on earth. But I'd like to share what a truly amazing guy he really is, and really what a huge place he has in my life. See, Jamie is just about the epitome of all I've wanted and needed to see in a man my age. There were men in my life who modeled the same traits, but I thought it was something that came with age. Like one man who I looked up to as father figure in my years as a wee teen, and who helped influence my life, was like 53 the last time I saw him. :) Somehow I thought that what he possessed by way of compassion, understanding, and a humongous heart was something that came with so many years of life. I despaired of finding anyone within my dating sphere with this level of maturity and compassion, but it appears I've done the impossible.

It's hard to describe what makes Jamie who he is to me, because it's a combination of so many little things that make him so perfect. Maybe it's the fact that he lets me nibble (a handy euphemism :P) his nose when I feel the urge haha, or the fact that he has agreed to take dance classes with me (and loves it), or the fact that he'll run out to the car to grab something for me if I ask him to, without complaining, or maybe it's that he's there to hold me and talk with me when I'm having a hard time coping with the kicks life deals out sometimes. Or maybe it's all of these combined to the bottom line that he takes me as I am, the whole package. The tears, the quirks, the stubborn desire to make my own way at any cost...he also appreciates the things about me that I felt noone would ever recognize as the essence of my being. It's uncanny how well he reads me and knows me through and through. The funny thing is that it's always been that way. We've had this crazy connection since we first started dating. I'm not saying we were finishing each other's sentences on the first date...it took more time, like probably a month, haha, but became more intense than even that. Haha we start each other's sentences after 10 minutes of silence. I start to explain something, a bit of my feelings or whatnot but somehow he just already knows. Same with me. Kinda spooky sometimes, but in a good way lol. But beyond this psychal bond I have with him, the things that make him amazing are too numerous to recount. I'll name the highlights though, like his warmth, his gentle nature, how safe I feel with him on every level, his hands that show he's a hard worker, the look of adoration in his eyes when he looks at me that I think will last the ages...all these and more are what make up my sweet jamie-jamie. :D I'm going to add my favorite photo of him onto this post because this is exactly my Jamie, captured in this picture. It's who he is with me, and exclusively with me :D

The Juggling Act.

I've been thinking a lot lately about family. I'm currently reading a book called "The Feminine Mistake" which talks about the pitfalls involved in being a stay-at-home mother. I think I was about 15 or 16 when I decided that it was a ridiculous idea that women have to stay home with their children in order to raise a great family. Ever since then I've been plotting out my life to be that I can both work and be a mother.

When I've thought about this before all I had in mind was how unfulfilled I'd be if I wasn't able to work, but in reading this book I'm finding out that there's a little more at risk than an unsatisfying life. It turns out that it becomes much much harder for a woman to re-enter the workforce if she's taken even a couple of years off, and the effect it has on her earning power is pretty devastating, in that her pension after retirement will be significantly lower than if she'd kept working. The book emphasizes the risk involved in becoming economically dependent on another person (the husband) because nothing is concrete and he could very easily be around one day, and walk out the next, leaving you devastated and destitute. Or he could get injured or sick, etc. I completely agree. Over the years I've encountered a lot of women with no plans for a career of any sort, just thinking they'll get by until they can find a husband to take care of them. I, myself, had adopted that mindset when I was younger...I think it's a cultural thing. However, I've come to realize that based on my own persistently independent personality, I couldn't settle for such a huge dependency, especially seeing how my parents have dealt with money and jerked each other around with it. I knew I could never knowingly set myself up for that, no matter how much I believed my husband could be trusted. It's just too risky.

In fact, in planning for my upcoming marriage, I came to the decision a few months ago to have my lawyer draw up a pre-nuptial agreement. Jamie is in full support of this of course, which I take as a good sign haha. It seems the people who probably won't need pre-nups are the ones who get them, and the ones who really need them are probably too scared to ask their partner in the first place. I take it as an extremely good sign that Jamie and I can talk openly about taking this precaution against either one of us getting screwed in the case of a divorce. It definitely eases my mind.
But I have to admit that for some time I thought that getting a pre-nup was like going into the marriage anticipating divorce, like if it did occur it would be because it was like a self-fulfilled prophecy or something. I even hesitated to bring it up to Jamie at first because I thought he might see it that way, but neither of us feel that a divorce *will* occur, just that it's better to be prepared for the worst when it comes to such weighty matters as needing to split up the family assets.
Which brings me to another point that was brought up in the book and that I'd considered as a possibility before. In speaking of the "family assets" what exactly are we talking about? It occurred to me before that if the wife stays at home then the husband would feel that they were all his assets, since technically he is the one who earned them. This is something that I simply could not bear.
So I'm figuring out how exactly I can work and have everything stay running smoothly (or at least running ;P) To me, domestic chores are a real bother when there are other things to worry about like nurturing your children and keeping your relationship thriving. Apparently noone thanks you for it anyway, according to the belabored groans of most stay-at-home mothers. So I've decided to incorporate the concept of delegation. And I don't mean putting it all on my children like some parents do. I've looked up maid services and they're actually pretty affordable! I figure if she comes in about 3 times a week to do the maintenance jobs like vacuuming and bathroom chores and laundry then that will free up a lot of time to spend with the kids and Jamie, and running errands, although apparently I could even have the groceries delivered if we live in a city. Pretty amazing huh? So much for the stressed-out, overworked working mother. :D
See, I think that's where a lot of working women get hung up is the domestic chores because most of the time there's way more to be done than can be completed in the four or five hours they're home before going to bed. This way, I can get home and spend time with the kids, then fix dinner and do the dishes, and then spend more time with the kids before it's time to put them down for the night without any worries about what else might need to be done. Of course there will be other motherly duties like taking the kids to practice and tutoring or whatnot, but that'll be okay. Maybe I'll enjoy it!
Also, all this is assuming that there's no help from the husband, which, apparently is the case with a lot of famlies. But I have every reason to believe that Jamie will be one of the select few men who actually do care :D He's given me every indication that he will be as much of a help as possible. I plan to take him up on that too lol. So with his help everything will definitely run more smoothly. I'm pretty excited about the prospect of being a working mother. There's no reason it can't be done, or that it has to be excruciating. I just think mothers beat themselves up too much. I bet most just need to take a chill pill and realize how great everything really is about their lives and how well they're most likely actually doing. :)

Friendship.

I've been thinking a lot about friends lately. I think I was kind of spoiled in this aspect because when I was growing up I always had REALLY good friends. I think L.M. Montgomery refers to them as "bosom" friends in Anne of Green Gables. Basically it's a person you can share anything with, one who really "gets" you, as though you were meant all along to be friends...I think really it's like the perfect friend, someone who complements you very well, and who has the same style of communicating and with whom you have that perfect balance of sharing with one another. I've always had one of these, if not two, but I think that in my ideal world every person would have and be a bosom friend. I think I would like to know each of my friends this way, but the truth is that not very many people are cut out for this level of interaction or understanding. I'm coming to terms with the fact. I find it pretty amazing actually that I've found so many in my life up to this point. They kind of come in and out of my life, but I've always had the privilege of knowing really good, special people at one time or another.

Finally.

I have really done it! I've practically eliminated mainstream sugar products from my food intake :D I've had this goal for as long as I can remember...maybe since like 10 years old? It's been on my list of self-improvements for all that time haha. So I finally decided to just DO it. (I've been doing that a lot lately, just DOing stuff. It's a great feeling.) So I don't really wanna know how long it's been since I stopped buying candy and stuff, because that will just spur the thought of 'wow, that's a long time...maybe it wouldn't hurt to have just a little...' haha I don' wan' that. But suffice it to say that I've kept this up for quite awhile now. It was easy to slide into because I gave myself the parameter that I would only eat stuff I'd made myself, and ice cream, haha. So limiting myself to ice cream and toffee did the trick, and now I don't even crave the REALLY sugary stuff like oreos, and skittles and all that great stuff I used to eat by the pound lol.

So to test myself on how much the craving has actually disappeared I got a double fudge walnut brownie from Marie Callendar's. I was really surprised that I didn't want it on the way home from Fresno, and even more surprised when I actually ate it today around noon that I only wanted half of it! It's like I'm indifferent to the stuff now. Pretty crazy. I was considering this fact today and thought about all kinds of sugary stuff just to see if it made my mouth water, but it really didn't have the same effect that it used to. I just don't want them anymore. But, to this end do I resign myself haha...I will ALWAYS love homemade toffee, and ice cream sandwiches.

The Music.

The playlist I've posted is full of songs that seem to contradict each other, but they're the ones that embody the bitter-sweet nature of my life to this point. Each song (or group of songs) has a special meaning or represents a period of my life, the feelings thereof, but some of them are ones that just touch me or that bring a smile to my face. I could explain, but mostly they're self-explanatory :)

Getting Culture.

So far on this blog I've mostly recorded my ups and downs, but through the midst of all this I'm also learning a lot. I'm currently reading a great book called "The Dictionary of Cultural Literacy" by E.D. Hirsch, author of "What Your 2nd (3rd 4th, etc) Grader Needs to Know" which were books I grew up on and always wished extended further than 6th & 7th grade. It turns out, that in this book they do! It covers basically ANYthing you would need to know. I've always wanted a book like this and have searched high and low for it ever since I finished reading the Grader books. Mom really introduced it to me, in an indirect way. It was what she was TRYING to give me in the first place. She gave me a book called "Cultural Literacy" for Christmas a couple of years ago. It is also by E.D. Hirsch and she thought it would be something like the Grader books, but instead it speaks of the need for cultural literacy across the nation: in the schools, in homes; children (and adults!) need more of it! That was basically the premise of his book. It wasn't until the end of the book that he speaks of how to get cultural literacy. Obviously it's by reading, but he wrote a book to give you kind of a jump-start, and the book he wrote was the aforementioned Dictionary. I've been pretty much gobbling it up since I found it. It carries a veritable goldmine of information!! I loooove it. It's like a whole Master's Degree worth of education all in one book. Of course, to go more in-depth you'd have to read more books, but this is an amazing start.

Revival.

I've been doing some reading, and I found a little gem in my readings. See, I attribute my sense of loneliness and despair to the fact that I'm feeling a little useless lately. My job only requires me to work one day a week, so the rest of the week, while Jamie's at work I'm left entirely to my own devices. I feel like I'm frittering away time that could be used to do something productive. I tried to get a job back in November, but was told that the park was still processing applications from the summer. I wouldn't work anywhere in Mariposa either... it's just not a good place to be. Besides the risk of running into someone I loathe, it's just not an uplifting place to be. Everyone grows pot and uses, of course. It's a pretty low-income place where people with missing teeth is a really common sight. Now, I'm not against people without teeth necessarily, but like I said, not the most uplifting or inspiring of environments.
Anyway, so what's been nagging at me is that I need to be doing something to improve life, my own and others' so I want to volunteer, but I'm not sure exactly what way to volunteer that would do the most good. This question has been heckling me for awhile now. This brings me back to my reading. I found something that kind of spoke to me (which doesn't happen often these days) and it went something like this...in fact, I'll grab the book so it's verbatim. Here it is:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman (Source: What Would I Believe if I Didn't Believe Anything by Kent Ira Groff, 2004)
I read this today and it kind of struck me.
(It actually reminded me of something I read in another great book called "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (2006) It's in part two, chapter 64, page 191 - 192. You'll have to get the book ( I highly recommend it) to appreciate exactly what she's talking about, (she is a very cute, funny author) but this is the important excerpt. (I just had a de ja vu by the way...weeeird!) This is what she says, quoting one of the key concepts she is learning: " 'God dwells within you, as you.' AS you.
If there is one holy truth of this Yoga, that line encapsulates it. God dwells within you as you yourself, exactly the way you are... We all seem to get this idea that, in order to be sacred, we have to make some massive, dramatic change of character, that we have to renounce our individuality." Now, I'm not necessarily looking for God, but it follows the same line of thought as te previous statement I included)
It struck me so much in fact that I decided to make a list of things that really make me feel alive. The list went something like this (but is not all-inclusive(or in order of importance)):
Dancing
Pets
Interacting with Children & Babies
Jamie
Friends
Working Outdoors
Music
Books

Somehow, I need to more fully pursue the things that I am missing from that list in order to feel more alive. I'd really like to radiate with life and exuberance, which is my idea of being "alive" i'd like to feel a sense of contentment and peace with life. I feel like I'm almost there, really. It wouldn't take a whole lot to feel all awake again. I have some very great things going for me which have helped to pull me out of my hopeless state. Yoga is one of them. Great books is another; I finally feel as though I am learning what I've been wanting to all my life! Music is another. The prospect of making new and better friends is another; I've been taking some steps to finding these people that I need in my life, and it feels great. The things I'm missing are Working Outdoors, Dancing, Pets, and Babies/Children. It's been awhile since I visited my siblings in Sacramento, and it's wearing on me. I miss them lots. But it's not just them. I need other children that I can help to fill that void. That would be the most fulfilling thing possible. Best scenario would be to tutor children in reading or math. That would be extremely fulfilling because I'd actually be doing two things: one, helping a child succeed; and two, proving to myself that I can actually tutor someone in math. The second would be a big one for me because math intimidated the heck out of me until I went to tutoring myself and was able to finally take Algebra (which, to my complete surprise and pride, I completed with an A grade.) So I'm thinking that that would be an excellent route to take for the boost I need. Another would be to care for infants. Whether paid or not, it would be amazing for me. I'm checking out some possible leads for this as we speak.
As for dancing, there's a studio not far from me that offers Ballet, Tap, Jazz and Hip Hop. What I'd really like is Ballroom, but I'll take what I can get. Actually, Tap would be a good precursor for Irish Step Dance, which is something I'd like to pursue at some point in the future :) Also Ballet might be really fun too. I've never taken it, but always entertained the idea.
So anyway, that's how things stand at the moment. I'm looking into anything that will help me feel nourished and revived.

A Crying Shame.

In leaving the Church, it seems that I have left a lot of friends as well. It's sad, because these are the friends I would have liked to have for the rest of my life. I just can't get past the feeling that they don't approve of my decision, and that they would feel that I had changed or something because of it. This saddens me, because it seems like they ought to know better. It seems that the only thing they ever saw in me or thought they knew was my devotion to the church. It's strange that they would disapprove or judge me for going a different way than themselves. It seems that the love of some of these friends and former leaders comes with a price. The price is that I must stay exactly the same in my beliefs and practices as I was when they were friends with me or taught me. It's weird that this love is SO conditional. It doesn't make sense. But then again, it does. It figures, because the whole church hinges on this idea of conditional yet unconditional love. It's a stupid paradox that's supposed to somehow make sense. It goes something like "You do what I want and expect and I'll love you boundlessly; but! do what I disapprove of, and I will still love you, but not your actions." To me this is an absolutely ridiculous concept. It seems it should be either love me or don't! Don't pretend to love me, but just not love my "actions" What happened to the proverbs "beauty is as beauty does" and "don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk" or "actions speak louder than words" ? It seems that somehow this "I just don't love your sins" is an acceptable, justifiable way of casting a stone without APPEARING to cast a stone. It's this haughty, holier-than-thou approach that SOMEHOW has become acceptable and even commonplace in the "Christian" world.
I don't get it. I wish people would freaking just be honest and not try to cover up or sugar-coat things. I would appreciate it so much more if someone would just come out and say something like "I don't agree with what you're doing and I admit it changes my feelings about you" THANK you! Finally some honesty. Then at least there wouldn't be the underlying guilt trip. Then that shows me that hey! this person really is superficial if they're going to see me in terms of black and white and not really try to understand my point of view at all. On to the next person who might actually value me! Instead you have someone who's trying to LOOK like they might value you, but in fact don't really value you at all. But they just don't want you to know that outright.

But maybe I'm not giving them enough credit, maybe they wouldn't feel this way after all! But no, it's true. How do I know? Because I've been around them enough, and seen how they speak of other people. I've always been wary of gossipy people or those who are unkind behind someone's back, because it says to me how they must be about me when I'm not around. So, in seeing how they handle other people who've left the church and such, people who they were close to before, I can see exactly how they would be with me if I were to also do something of this sort. It seems that while they will camouflage their disappointment when speaking with the person in question, they will be very open and honest about their feelings when that person is not around. It's a real shame that this is how it is. I wish I had some honest-to-goodness genuine people to know. It kills me that there aren't more of these around. I think I'll get in touch with more of those people I can count on and maybe sometime I'll run into some more people who love me in a true sense.

What's to Come?

This question hasn't bothered me in a looong time. Even within the realms of being LDS it wasn't too much of a problem. My options were either to go to Outer Darkness, which didn't seem likely; the Telestial Kingdom, which didn't seem too likely either since I'd been baptized and all that; the Terrestrial Kingdom, which, by most accounts is just like the earth as it is now, or the Celestial Kingdom, which apparently is the ultimate in terms of residing in bliss and God's love, etc.

So, I figured I was pretty much guaranteed Terrestrial at the worst, and Celestial at the best and decided that the Terrestrial was not too shabby. I love life as it is! At least, I always *did* so the prospect didn't bother me that much. Now that I've stepped back from LDS living, and am not thinking in those terms anymore, it doesn't really matter to me *where* I go. I can honestly say that the idea of death hasn't ever concerned me that much. The only things that scare me about death are: the prospect of dying slowly and in excruciating pain; drowning; or being murdered. Those things scare the bejeebies out of me. (Actually, being murdered would really piss me off, after the fact.) Other than that if I die quickly and painlessly, it's no biggie! I figure that anywhere I go is just fine, whether it's reincarnation; a deep, dark void; absolute nonexistence (not possible anyway as far as I know); Heaven; Hell; the Telestial Kingdom - what-have-you! It's all good. I think if I've lived a good long life I'll have the memories of everything that was good to hang onto. Even if I die right now I'll have great memories. Then again, if I don't have any memories, then I won't know what to miss. Either way, I'll be just peachy.

I also don't see the point in busting my ass in order to make it to the Celestial Kingdom just to get there and have God look at his charts and say something like "Okay...Mabry, Katie Ruth, LDS, Baptized, Confirmed, Sealed in the Temple, prayers twice a day, good good. Okay Katie, it seems that your religion led you to believe that only by following their teachings could you get here, but if you look around you'll see that that young man is Muslim, this young lady is Hindu, and that guy is Jewish, and they all made it too. You might as well have been part of any one of the other religions as long as you lived by the truths of love, compassion, selfless giving..." What a waste of all that energy to live up to the Mormon standard of living!! There are much simpler ways of life out there that make more sense than Mormonism.

Also, all this hype about "families are forever" that's propagated by Mormonism doesn't really make much sense to me. I won't miss my family THAT much if I have the memories of all of them that will last for an eternity. I mean some of you have to separate for some time when you die and are just hanging out in paradise until the judgement day. There will always be people here or there until then! So anyway, all of that doesn't really have the effect that it's probably supposed to. I'm not stunned/awed anymore by the idea of being together forever.
I'm also not that concerned about being separated. My family is pretty compartmentalized anyway. We're not that close in the grand scheme of things. It just seems funny to me how even if you never talk or see each other much in this life, you think you'll miss them *more* if you know they're in another dimension from yourself. It's just kind of fussy and trifling to worry about it.

A Guitarist in the Making? (absolutely!)

Okay, so I'm just *so* excited. I finally got my new guitar tuned. I was having some trouble keeping it in tune 'til my little musician brother gave me the solution, and now it's keeping tune just nicely! So, now that it's in tune, the chords that a few days ago sounded *awful* are now just gorgeous. It excites me so much. What I hear in the chords is possibility! I have wanted to learn guitar for as long as I can remember...I think I got it from my dad lol... I have this memory of me and my siblings as kids, all sitting on the floor around my dad who was sitting on his bed playing his guitar. It was such a fun night. He seemed like he was having fun and feeling kind of playful and asked us for requests. Haha, I didn't know if this was actually a song, but it sounded like a good title! My request was "Stranger With a Gun" hahaha. He laughed in a nice way and said "Welp, not sure if I know that one but I think I can try" and then proceeded to improv a cute, fun little song for me. It was so awesome. It's one of my favorite memories of my dad. I'm pretty sure I was really young, maybe it was while mom was pregnant with Dillon, so I was about five I guess. Gah, I just love it.
So I bought myself a decent guitar (which doubled as a Christmas present for Jamie haha, from us to each other) and am now learning to play it. I spent the first week that I couldn't play it properly (because of the tuning problem) just feeling the strings and building resistance to the inevitable pain, and just tonight I realized that my fingertips are already developing calluses! They're shiny in the way that only callusing fingers can be, and I'm finding it easier to play. It is just so freakin' exciting! I've never gotten this far before.

So Close I Can Smell the Cigar.

The realization of all my dreams is so close at hand. Sometimes it seems so bland, to have everything already mapped out. Who has their life already planned by the time their 19? I feel like an old lady sometimes, a little too familiar with myself, but it's *so* comforting to know what I want out of life! It's exciting, even if it is a bit of a spoiler on the plot. But in truth it was the key to the happiness I desire the remaining years of my life.

See, if you refer back to my post about guys and stuff, you'll notice the undertones of anticipation of an unfinished life; the rosebud that never opened. That was what I anticipated in marrying young and that distressed me a great deal. I have never, ever wanted to be just a housewife and I do mean *just* a housewife. There is such a thing, no matter how people may try to cast it. Perhaps when I am older and have young ones of my own I will understand where they're coming from, but at this point the idea just rubs me entirely the wrong way.

So what I did (as ever :P) was make a list. I focused all possible concentration on defining my goals and dreams for life; every one of them, no matter how outlandish or pie-in-the-sky and found, to my delight, that they were all quite doable; and so my distress vanished and was replaced by this wonderful, almost giddy feeling. The feeling that I could do *everything* I wanted and still have the best things in life in the form of a husband and little ones. Granted, I won't be having any children for the next 2-5 years, furthering enabling me to reach a level of satisfaction with the duration and quality of my activities, but I will marry in absolute confidence that I will in every way be a fulfilled, contented individual by the time my babies roll around.
I think, in a way, that I owe it to them.
One of the peaks of frustration to me is to hear the wistful longing of a parent who didn't get to entirely pursue their dreams. It is just so sad to hear that life came at them a little too fast, even if it did bring some little delightfuls in its wake. I don't want my children to hear me say anything but "Oh yes love, I was so ready for you" with the confidence of someone who is satisfied with her share of living. I think there's something valuable in having parents who have gotten a lot out of life, and have a lot to share; and most importantly, who have a happy and loving outlook on life. I would be quite dismayed if I didn't have this to offer, and if I couldn't do this for myself.

When You Feel All Alone.

I'm feeling a little forsaken lately. It's like all of the friends I thought I had aren't there now. It's funny, because I think that if I'd been a little more popular in my high school years, I wouldn't feel so unfulfilled now. But I'm pretty sure that what it comes down to is that the only friends that really matter are the ones who know you through and through. I can't know that for sure though because I never had the chance to make any really superficial friends haha. Maybe that's a real blessing, or maybe I am just making sour grapes. Really though, the best friends I've ever had still adore me and keep in touch with me...the other ones, not so much. It frustrates me though that the people I thought loved me always seem to slip away. The efforts I make to say "Hey how's it going?" every once in awhile go ignored. I'm not overbearing, it somehow just seems to escape them to be able to give me a hey back. Makes me wonder what's wrong with me because the cases aren't isolated, this is ongoing. So strange.
It makes me want to get a dog - dogs aren't ever indifferent; never ignore you. I need that kind of enthusiastic, unbridled, unfailing love. The alternative is to have a baby, which isn't exactly the healthiest approach; my own family is proof of that :)
So a dog it is, a puppy to raise properly and love abundantly for years and years. The truth is that I need some kind of purpose, something to take care of, because I feel like I'm floudering, searching for meaning and coming up empty-handed. I feel like I'm slipping further and further. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now, I don't understand what I'm doing here. It was so much easier to be Mormon. I resent it because it was so simple, yet so demanding. What I wouldn't give for the feeling of purpose I felt at one time; but this time it would have to be more substantial. It was too empty, too baseless before. I need something more, but I haven't found it yet. Don't know what to do, don't know what I'm doing here; with no purpose, no goals beyond personal gratification by way of learning and travel. I don't want to believe in Heaven though, don't want to believe in Hell. It's too simplistic to think that way. The world is much more complex than that. The quandry though, is that I miss that simplistic kind of one-track thinking. It was comfortable for Pete's sake. Damn it.

Maybe Some Healing?

Life has been a little tough on me the last year. I carry a lot of sadness and grief over what I have lost. I carry anger and rage at what was taken from me. I carry bitterness and hatred over what I was shown. I seem just be getting to the point that I can really pick myself up and move forward. I was basically destroyed about a year ago, but not completely. I lost touch with who I was for awhile, and may have a hard time getting back to that place of complete joy and confidence that I once resided in. I see now that I was still there all the time, to a degree - who I am was still tucked away, waiting to reemerge. Now how to allow that is the question. How to make a safe space for that part of me that was obliterated - that now resembles a 1000-piece puzzle - to come out and start slowly be drawn back together, the way thousands of tiny cells slowly move to merge together. So here I am, attempting to move forward, trying to make sense of what happened and why it occurred and what the hell I'm supposed to do with it now. Sometimes it seems that the best and only solution is for life to end. (Either mine or the fat bastard's). Sometimes I wish for an accident to occur that would save me the trouble - but then sometimes I think ' I could do it this way, this will be easy!' Slipping out of consciousness and physical existence sounds like deliverance... it sounds so reasonable and I come to that conclusion so calmly. No desperation, just a quiet assurance of 'Yeah...that sounds really nice' and seems a definite improvement over the powerlessness I feel to sort this out and bring about any justice. I've been pondering lately what is worth sticking around for and have come up with a few things that, sure enough, are pretty well worth it. It's still difficult - I still just want to give up sometimes - but I'm hoping that I can find some answers in consulting with a professional. Maybe it won't take too much to get back up, alive and kicking. Thing is, I know that there is good in the world, I *know* that, but it's just difficult to see when my vision is so clouded with pain and tears and anger and by images of a manipulative, big, evil son of a bitch.

Getting Real.

So, noone's following this blog yet, so I don't feel obligated to live up to any expectations anyone may have for me. This is the place for me to be really me - so if you're reading this it's probably because you'd like to truly know me, and if you're not, then it truly is just *my* blog, with noone to judge it. At any rate, I am really tired of having to censor myself with certain people for fear that they'll judge me. That's not the way I want to live; people will just have to suck it up and realize I'm not the person that I used to be or that they'd always hoped or expected I would be. I admit I feel a little angry and defensive; noone has the right to decide how I should live my life. I really feel the need to explain everything about myself to everyone. It's pretty pathetic really. I'm not going to live that way anymore. I'm just going to record how I feel about things in the way that I would if noone were going to judge me. This is the only way I'll ever truly be able to claim my self. So these are the things that I am really brimming about but can't seem to tell anyone; but no longer!
I've quit going to church, and have never been happier in my life! I'll admit it was difficult at first, and still is sometimes, because I miss that feeling of belonging - the feeling of friendship that I felt there. But I felt it was necessary for my personal development. I needed to get out and see the world with new eyes. It confirmed my long-time belief that there was more joy out there than I could have ever experienced in the closed environment the church lent me to. If I had stayed in the church and stuck to the beliefs that members should never date anyone outside the church (unless they plan on converting them) I would have missed out on the chance of a lifetime to find true love. People may scoff when they read this, but it's true. There's nothing more I could want. It's real, genuine, and amazing. I can't thank my lucky stars enough that I didn't let religion get in the way of something so truly *awe*some. It seemed so trivial to say "Well if you don't accept this crap for truth because I want you to, then I can't be with you" and by that time I was really thinking it was crap - he really came along at the opportune time. It was as good a time as any to leave, and with an amazing outcome. As it is, I feel fulfilled as a person, and my love life is brimming with tenderness and caring. I am so impressed that he is so understanding and loving, and most importantly, not controlling.
I have to say that from the time I was about 17 I was SO dreading marrying a Mormon man...I was trying so hard to talk myself into how it would work with this one guy I was planning on marrying, who wanted to marry me, but it could never work out no matter which angle I took on it. As far as I could tell he was wanting to follow the (for the most part) typical mormon lifestyle and timeline. He was going to get back from his mission and marry me before I was 20, then we'd immediately have children, even before his career was stabilized. So the way I could see this going was that we'd have two or three children before I was even 22, and of course I'd have to stay at home from the time we had our first, never getting out to develop my own career or further my education...so we'd be living on one income, and most likely a poor one, while he struggled to get through college and onto a better-paying job. This reminded me tooooo much of the path my parents took and I was not looking forward to a life of poverty, or just getting by, at best. Also, I could see things going that we would supposedly be on equal planes, but that he would have the last say in matters of the family, etc. as he would be the "head of the household" and that just did not appeal to me. But I couldn't tell him these things, because then I would probably not fit the bill of a good mormon wife. So I did the best thing for everyone and got out. I found an amazing non-mormon man who loves me better than I could ever hope for, and who treats me so entirely as his equal. Life is so, so good.

Problem and Solution.

I have a real problem with people lately. It's like I always had a rosy outlook on people all through my childhood and early teens and now I'm realizing just how awfully rank people can really be. It bugs the heck outta me how freakin' RUDE some people can be. It's like someone never taught them the basics of being a decent human being. I think this is especially true in Yosemite. The majority of people I know, and especially managers, have this air of complete arrogance that drives me up the wall. Now, it's said that one generally dislikes the qualities in others that oneself actually possesses. I can see how that is true. I very much dislike one particular person who I consider a spoiled brat...mostly because the person reminds me of myself; I would add "at that age" but at times I wonder if I have ever truly moved on from that "phase." Realistically, the answer is yes, in many ways I have, but in others I really do still have to wonder. Which brings me back to my original point. Maybe this insufferable arrogance that I despise so much in the people around me is actually a reflection of myself. Somehow it fits. I admit that I do feel a sense of superiority to a few types of people. I reprimand myself often and make attempts to change, but in the meantime, this is part of my reality. I would like to think that I am about average in this area, that I am just a normal person of admirable character, but the truth is, I can be a downright shitty person in my ruthless judgments and thoughts of people. This is what I consider being jaded. Part of it is preconceived notions about how people should be, and notions of how they are, and part of it is by personal experience up-close and personal with some disgusting beings I hesitate to call people. Now this is the extreme end of the spectrum, but it has taught me a lot about human nature in general, and perhaps made me even harder than is warranted on the rest of the species. Because of this I make judgment calls that are perhaps less than rational and *definitely* less than compassionate. But I do have compassion...I have compassion for those who are genuine, truly authentic, down-to-earth individuals. I have no patience or love for people who are dishonest and/or pretentious.
( N.B. (Stands for Note Well, "Nota Bene" in Latin) I'm sick of saying I'm going to work on that. As far as I'm concerned it goes without saying that I'm going to work on it. If I'm talking about my flaws then it means I am aware of them. I don't generally wallow and wade in my lack of mastery over a certain area in my life...I just get rid of it.) I read an amazing book* one time though, that suggests that one of the keys to happiness is compassion for all people, based on the idea that they are no different from myself, seeking the very same things I am. Along the same lines, a wiser one than me once suggested that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and not allow any negative bias to enter my ideas about a given person. Consequently, I am of the opinion that this will lead me to feel a sense of harmony and empathy for others. I suppose that means that I ought to have compassion for every person that I could possibly have bitter feelings toward who is or ever has been on earth. Needless to say, this will be a tough one.

*The book is called "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler with an emphasis on the thoughts and practices of the Dalai Lama himself.

Moved in!

So Jamie and I have moved into a new apartment. It's a very nice space, all to ourselves except for the family upstairs. What's more, I don't have to constantly worry about being kicked out.
See, we've been living together for something like 6 months out of the last year. Jamie had an apartment up in the park itself, but since it was employment housing and I'm merely a contractor for the company, I couldn't officially be his roommate. However, when he didn't have roommate I could stay there, under the radar. So I stayed for about 3 months before they made him get a roommate, and I had to go back to my place (which I'd kept). He had the roommate for about 3 months, then that one left, so then I was able to again move in with him. This lasted about another three months and then it was getting down to the wire for him to get another roommate. Since we so wanted to stay together we just up and moved into a new place. It is really a nice setup, and such a load off my mind! We're in Midpines, closer to his family, and best of all out of the park!! It was unbelievably stifling to live in the park itself...so many people crammed into one small space. But now we're out. We are going to be able to live here for six months. We're hoping by then we'll have moved out to a new place with a new job for Jamie. He's currently trying to get into the California Highway Patrol, but may not make it. They have some pretty strict protocol. So we're checking into different departments over the state. Either way, we'll be outta here before summer really kicks in. I can't wait! It'll be so good to be near a real city again. It'll most likely be easier for me to find more steady work as a massage therapist at a spa, or even a chiropractor's office. The more steady income will DEFINITELY beat out the higher wages here.

Knitting Away.

Something that has frustrated me over the years is the lack of opportunities for me to volunteer individually to help out various causes. I have finally found something that I can do, by myself. I am currently knitting an afghan to donate to a nursing home with patients in need of warmth and kindness. I began a couple of days ago and am finding the task a little daunting. It's funny, I have a commonality with my brother and sister, and its cropped up in both of their blogs too. We all have a problem with perfectionism. Needless to say, in knitting this afghan, it's cropped up numerous times and I keep fretting over how it's coming along. It's going to be about 6'x6' and since it's the first afghan I will have knitted, there will be many mistakes. I've mostly come to terms with this fact and decided that it will be fine no matter how it turns out, as long as it stays in one piece and is uniform for the most part. Now, it looks really good so far, but I find myself fretting over whether it's too tight, or whether all the stitches look good, or whether I've picked up a stitch or not. These things will be somewhat trivial when the finished product comes around, but I keep thinking it really matters. Then I realized that most peoples' eyesight has diminished by the time they're in a nursing home, so maybe they won't even notice! That made me feel a lot better.

To Begin...

I am someone who is deathly afraid of not being taken seriously, of not being heard because I sound insincere or trite. This is the reason I don't usually share what I'm thinking. I also don't share my thoughts because they seem to contradict themselves quite a bit. I believe this is because I'm still figuring things out...something I'll be doing for a very very long time to come.

I've done a lot of growing up the past couple of years, and realized a lot of things. Life has jaded me quite a bit, and I'm better for it, but maybe also bitter. I feel too young to be bitter, but at the same time, it fits. I'll move out of it though. I always do. There's always more.
I've changed in a lot of ways, in that I don't go so much for appearances anymore or try to keep up pretense. I've realized that there are some things that just don't matter anymore. There are some things, though, that matter a lot. My family is one of them. Jamie is another. Then there's
learning and literacy. These two things are my major pursuits in life. The two differ in that learning is taking in information, literacy is retaining and using it. These are my passions. The way I access them is through books, one of my great loves in life. I discontinued taking university courses because they didn't suit my learning style. Now I am pursuing a degree by learning at home by myself with my books, until I learn the material to the point that I can test out of it. I've always loved reading and taking tests, so this is the perfect way for me to get where I want to be! It will take some time...but less money in the long run really.

Another one of my passions is language. I'm currently learning Latin, which, purportedly, is a good language to start with because all of the Romantic languages spring from it. The next language I would like to learn is Italian, then Spanish. I have a whole long list of languages to learn. My desire is to learn the primary language of every country I plan to visit. I think this desire sprang from living in Yosemite. See, many people come here from all over the world, and everyone that I've encountered knows at least a little English, but the majority of people are fluent. This impressed me a great deal, seeing that if I went to a Spanish-speaking country, I may be able to get by, but barely. In any other country(except England), I'd be absolutely, hopelessly uncomprehending and inarticulate. The fact that almost every other major country in the world takes time to learn English and teach their children spoke volumes to me and made me realize that I should pay exactly the same tribute to these other peoples and their languages. So thus was born the resolve to learn the language of every country I ever plan to visit...which is, naturally, all of them lol. Not quite, but pretty much. I'd like to visit at least every continent but ideally MANY countries within. This is because people fascinate me beyond words. Well, I'm a little disenchanted with Caucasian Americans as a whole, but that's probably because I've been around so many for so long, and as far as I can tell, most are pretty predictable. The culture seems somewhat static from place to place. This may also be true of other countries and peoples, but I want to experience them first-hand just to be sure. Another thing, accents have endless appeal to me. A person is automatically more interesting to me (shallow though it may be) if they have a British, Irish, Australian or Scottish accent, not to mention German. I think accents of this nature are sooo catching. I have the dream of someday aquiring an Irish accent. I plan to live a year or two in Ireland at some point, essentially just for this purpose. But, then again, my plans for travel are endless. I just hope there's enough life for me to do it all in.